Dog jokes (271 to 285)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 271 to 285. |
Doctor Doctor Collection 09
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells!"
Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair!
Real Advertisements 02
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
California Crazy Law
Arcadia
Alhambra
Baldwin Park
Belvedere
Blythe
Burlingame
Carmel
Chico
Downey
Hollywood
Lafayette
Lodi
Lompoc
Long Beach
Los Angeles
Ontario
Pacific Grove
Palm Springs
Pasadena
Prunedale
Redlands
Riverside
San Diego
San Francisco
San Jose
Santa Monica
Temecula
Two men are approaching each o...
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."
An exhausted looking blond dra
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.""I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
Bought A Bad Computer
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
- Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
- It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
- In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
- It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
- The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
- Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
The only chip inside is a Dorito.
You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Wash the dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a large size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But, the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so" said he was sorry the dog died, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
A man wakes up one morning to...
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Your dog bite?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.
The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."
"I'm in love with my horse,"
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist."Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor said, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man snapped. "What do you think I'm...gay???"