Dog jokes (601 to 615)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 601 to 615. |
You said UNLIMITED time!
You have been online...You have been online for 45 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say?
You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right? when was the last time you went outside?
OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? yep finally
You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names ?
You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?
You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord....
You have been online 852 minutes, do you KNOW how many HOURS that is?"
You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.
You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take it literally. Now get the H*ll off before we go broke!
Let him dig...
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."
Dog gone!
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony. Just then, Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gushed.
Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
Hilarious book titles
1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself (A book for woodworkers)
2) Knitting with Dog Hair
3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw
4) Drying Flowers With A Microwave
5) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?
6) How Green were the Nazis?
7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them
8) How to Avoid Huge Ships
9) Bomb Proof Your House
10)Waterproofing Your Child
Cold Water
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
The vet...
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
An amazing dog...
There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :
"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."
So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."
The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.
Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.
The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"
The dog said "Meow!"
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Barking Dog
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!"
Only in America
Only in A...
Only in AmericaOnly in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
Lose Weight Fast!
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in theworld in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale
diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None
worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he
noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A
voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card
number and we'll have a representative over to your house in
the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the
door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked
except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,
you can have me."
Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,
panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he
was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the
bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed
to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to
which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty
pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give
me your credit card number and we'll have a representative
over to your house in the morning."
"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock
on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful
blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck
stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a
good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out,
but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told
him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He
ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice
at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the
voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card
number, you just have your representative over here in the
morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next
representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.
When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a
sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to
have you."
Animal jokes-Dogs and masters
The second dog said: “Your master at least speaks to you. Mine is an MP (Member of Parliament). He keeps barking like us dogs at every one including me. To add insult to injury, he has put a board on his gate ‘Beware of dog.' Talk about his audacity.
