Dog jokes (661 to 675)

Drink Too Much Coffee

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
   
2. You ski uphill.
   
3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
   
4. You speed walk in your sleep.
   
5. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
   
6. You answer the door before people knock.
   
7. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
   
8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
   
9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
   
10. You sleep with your eyes open.
    
11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
    
12. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
    
13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
    
14. You lick your coffeepot clean.
    
15. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
    
16. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
    
17. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
    
18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    
19. You chew on other people's fingernails.
    
20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
    
21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
    
22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
    
23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
    
24. You can jump-start your car without cables.
    
25. Cocaine is a downer.
    
26. All your kids are named "Joe."
    
27. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
    
28. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
    
29. You don't sweat, you percolate.
    
30. You buy milk by the barrel.
    
31. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
    
32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
    
33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
    
34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
    
35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
    
36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
    
37. People get dizzy just watching you.
    
38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
    
39. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
    
40. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
    
41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
    
42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
    
43. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
    
44. People can test their batteries in your ears.
    
45. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
    
46. Instant coffee takes too long.
    
47. You channel surf faster without a remote.
    
48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
    
49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
    
50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
    
51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
    
52. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
    
53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
    
54. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
    
55. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
    
56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
    
57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
    
58. Your Thermos is on wheels.
    
59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
    
60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
    
61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
    
62. You short out motion detectors.
    
63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
    
64. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
    
65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
    
66. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
    
67. You don't tan, you roast.
    
68. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
    
69. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
    
70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
    
71. You can't even remember your second cup.
    
72. You help your dog chase its tail.
    
73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
    
74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
    
75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
    
76. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
    
77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
    

Kids jokes-Wagon

Dog Jokes 04

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!

Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!

Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it's bite!

Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!

Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel!
Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!

Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!

Shoulda Said

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

One day a man is walking down ...

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: 'does your dog bite?' the old man replies 'No never'. When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says 'I thought you said your dog did not bite! 'I did' replies the old man, but this isn't my dog!'

Question And Answer Animal Jokes

Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.
Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

A man asked his wife what she'...

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

You Might Be A Redneck If 30

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.

Humor About Drunk Irishmen

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

#joke #animal #dog

A dog at the movies...

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"

This Dog Is Acting Bad

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

Clean jokes-Actual answers given on Family Feud

Arkansas Governer Application

First name: ______________________
Last name(if known):______________
Address (where you live):_________
__________________________________
Mother's name_____________________
(also relation, i.e., sister)
Birthdate(yours):__________________
Father's name:_____________________
(if known, if not, list choices)
Color of neck:
Light Red ( )
Medium Red( )
Dark Red ( )
No Neck ( )
Year of pickup truck:_____________
List all that you have in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Dead Road Kill( )
Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city?
(Like Little Rock) Yes ( ) No ( )
How far can you throw cow pies?____
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )
Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( )
Sister( ) Aunt ( ) Mother( )
Neighbor's dog( )
Does your wife weigh:
Less than 200 Pounds( )
Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( )
More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is?
Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you
is your wife:
50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( )
Understood previous questions:
Yes( ) No( ) Huh?( )
All of the Above( )
What "previous" mean?( )
Color of wife's hair:
Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( )
Black( ) Bald( )
Last Elvis sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________
Can you count past five:
Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less
why on Earth you want to be Governor
of Arkansas:
________________________________
Signature ('X' if you can't write)

Diagnostic Machine

A man without medicare or medical insurance injured himself playing tennis and couldn't afford to go to the doctor. A friend of his told him there was a wonderful new diagnostic machine at the drugstore and suggested he try it out.

So the man went down to the drugstore and poured the required urine sample into the machine. The machine whirred and hummed for fifteen seconds and spit out a piece of paper. The piece of paper said: You have tennis elbow. Here's how to treat it...

The man treated his tennis elbow according to the directions and it improved immediately. He was very impressed with the diagnostic machine but decided he was going to find out just how good it was, and if it could be fooled.

So he gathered and mixed together his own urine sample, his wife's, and some of his dog's feces. Then for good measure he masturbated into the cup.

He took this mixture down to the drugstore and poured it into the machine. The machine then whirred and hummed for five minutes. Just when he was thinking he'd broken it, out came the diagnosis.

It said:

Your dog has worms.

Your wife is pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours.

And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.

Scary Collection 13

A Halloween joke
Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?
Because they're crab apples!

A vampire joke
What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound!

A ghost joke
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!

A demon joke
What do you call a demon who slurps his food?
A goblin!

A ghost joke
What do you have to take to become a coroner?
A stiff exam!

A cannibal joke
What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
Pickled organs!

A cannibal joke
What did the cannibal say when he was full?
''I couldn't eat another mortal!''