Dog jokes (991 to 1005)

The Zen Master is visiting New...

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet.

He goes up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"My change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
   
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
   
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
   
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
   
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
   
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
   
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
   
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
   
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
   
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
    

Lightbulb Joke Collection 91

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five--one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

You might be a redneck if 56

You might be a reneck if...

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.

You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.

You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.

You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.

You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

Little Peter was taking his ne...

Little Peter was taking his new puppy for a walk when a policeman stopped him.
“Has your dog got a license?” The policeman asked. “Oh, no,” answered Peter.
“He’s not old enough to drive.”

Idiot one liners

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Surfing in Nebraska.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A dog went to a telegram offic...

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Little Johnny grew up in the c...

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, Little Johnny returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.

"It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?"

Two Angry Neighbors

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

50 fun things for professors t...

50 fun things for professors to do on the first day of class...

1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."

7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19.Address students as "worm."

20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.

39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."

42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in you grade book.

46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.

48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorit...

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle

The Mule, the Monkey & The Man

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so ...

Help wanted...

A local business was looking for office help, so they put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities, however I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

Liver and cheese....

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Is that a dog in the back seat?

It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"