Elephant jokes (31 to 45)

Two Jewish businessmen meet in...

Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them.
The first says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for a thousand dollars."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What are you, crazy? What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So I'm going to buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Oh," said the other, "now you're talking!"

 Business One-liners 23

Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway.
Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

Senior Guessing

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”

A man is hired by the circus t

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"

You got me!

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Odd signs...

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

* You dance and it makes the b

* You dance and it makes the band skip.
* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

Elephant Jokes 02

What' s big and grey with horns?
An elephant marching band!

What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside?
An elephant disguised as a banana!

What's big, grey and flies straight up?
An elecopter!

What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
A get wellephant!

What's grey and never needs ironing?
A drip dry elephant!

What's big and grey and red?
A sunburnt elephant!

What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?
"Pack your trunk and clear out!"
How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
Take all the matches out first!

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?
An elephant holding its breath!

 California Crazy Law

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

Bathhouses are against the law.

In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia

Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra

You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere

City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame

It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel

Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Downey

It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette

You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi

It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc

It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach

It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles

Toads may not be licked.

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Zoot suits are prohibited.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario

Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove

Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs

It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena

It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale

Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands

Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego

The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco

Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Jose

It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica

You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula

Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

#joke #christmas #animal #cat #dog #horse #snake #snail #sheep #cow #lizard #rooster #whale #pet #elephant #camel #food #lunch #sport #golf #swimming #baseball #cowboy

History began some 12,000 year

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 yearsago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadichunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summerand would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention ofbeer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get manto the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and,together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into twodistinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was thebeginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can wasinvented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sittingaround waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to thebrewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque atnight while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what isknown as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to liveoff the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doingthe sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of theLiberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved intowomen. The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept ofDemocratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer thatConservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals aresymbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foocoffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. Theyeat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and Frenchfood are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and grouptherapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rulebecause it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and stillprovide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeocowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes andgenerally anyone who works productively outside government.Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want towork for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" theproducers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believeEuropeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of theLiberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business oftrying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that aLiberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the aboveinstead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

* You dance and it makes the b

* You dance and it makes the band skip.
* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

An Elephant And Turtle

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

A man walked into a restaurant...

A man walked into a restaurant and saw a sign that read, "We'll give you $300 if we're unable to serve you any entree you order."
He sat down and told the waitress he wanted elephant liver on rye.
The waitress took the order and left.
All of a sudden, the man heard terrible noises coming from the kitchen - the sound of feet stamping, screaming and the banging of pots and pans.
It went on and on.
The noise finally stopped, and the cook appeared from the kitchen.
He slapped down $300 in front of the customer and said, "I can't believe it. We're out of rye."

A lion woke up one morning fee...

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree, stomped on him and then ambled away.
The battered lion hollered after the elephant, "Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset."

A frog goes into a bank and ap

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."