Father jokesJokes about fathers. These are the jokes listed 1 to 15. |
Supporting A Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girlfriend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"
"Well, no, sir," he replied, caught off-guard by the question. "Your daughter and I were thinking we'd just have to support ourselves, the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Service Memorial
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Whoops!
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's 3rd Grade School teacher' I'm Going To Be A Father
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off!"
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
A woman meets a man in a bar . . .
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But, she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says -- 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
Husband tries childbirth simulator
A woman is in labor, and the doctor comes in and says, "we have this cool new device that lets the father participate by feeling the pain of childbirth! What do you think?" The wife is all for it, so the husband says, "sure- I'll try it."
He puts it on, turns it to 20% power, and waits. Nothing. "Cool," he says. "Turn it to 50% and let's see what I've got."
They turn it up to 50%, and after a minute, he's still pretty comfortable. "I don't know what the big deal is- this is a walk in the park!" He says. "I've got this. Turn it up to 11."
They turn it up to 110%, and he's still doing fine! He can't believe it, but he's pretty impressed with himself for being so tough.
Wife has the baby, and when they get home, the mail man is dead on the front porch.
A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut...
A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut, pulls up to his house in a stunning Porsche. His parents are immediately suspicious, knowing there's no way his after-school job could have paid for such an expensive car. "Where did you get that car?" they shout, astonished.
"I bought it today," the boy replies calmly.
"With what money?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and there's no way you can afford it!"
The boy shrugs. "It’s used, and I got a great deal. I only paid $20 for it."
His parents are even more shocked. "Who would sell a Porsche for $20?!"
"The woman up the street," the boy explains. "She just moved in. I delivered a pizza to her, and she offered to sell me the Porsche for $20."
Baffled, his parents rush to the neighbor’s house, ready for an explanation. They find her calmly planting flowers in her yard. "I'm the father of the boy you sold a Porsche to for $20," the dad says. "We need to know why you sold it so cheap!"
The woman, without looking up, responds, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't plan on coming back."
The boy's mom, still confused, asks, "But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?"
With a satisfied smile, the woman replies, "My husband told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money—so I did."
Do You Take Children
The father of three called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room. The clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.
"Do you take children?" the father asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "We only take cash and credit cards."
4 Friends reunite 30 years after school
One friend goes to the restroom while the other three start discussing the success of their sons.Friend 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Friend 2 says his son became a pilot, started his own airline, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a jet.
Friend 3 says his son became an engineer, founded his own development company, and is so wealthy he built his best friend a castle.
Friend 4 returns from the restroom and asks what they're talking about.
They tell him they are discussing the success of their sons and ask about his son.
He says his son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar.
The other three express their disappointment, assuming he must be unhappy with his son's lack of success.
"Oh no!" the father replies, "He's doing quite well. Last week, for his birthday, he received a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from three of his boyfriends..."
