Father jokes

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken

The famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.

After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news. The Pope replied: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar...

A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

A small family of three booked a flight to Kansas

They arrived at the airport several hours early. As he was only four years old and this was his first experience with this sort of thing, the son was constantly wandering off.

Several times, the father had to chase him down, pick him up, and haul him back to their seats at the flight gate. After a while, he grew tired of this and told the child, "If you wander off again, I'm going to check you with the rest of the luggage."

Sure enough, wander off is exactly what the child did. So this time, the father picked him up and carried him over to the gate attendant. "Sir, I don't think I can allow you to check your own child," they told him.

The father frowned at this, then asked, "What, are you telling me I'll have to carry on my wayward son?"

I Want To Become A Politician

"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."

Like Father Like Son

Miser to son: "Son, how much did it cost when you took your girlfriend to dinner yesterday?"
Son: "Dad, it was only $25.00."
Dad: "Oh, that’s not too bad."
Son: "It would've been more, but that was all the money she had on her."

Feeding the Baby

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

Who's Your Daddy?

While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family.
"Yes, he is!" Andy replied.
"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."
Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"

At The Supermarket

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”

Short Jokes, Long Laughs

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

19 and 20 had a fight...
21...
19 was injured, 22.

A young boy asked his father if he could try coffee
The dad said “sure son! Have a sip.”
The boy took a sip and immediately spit it out. “Yuck!” he said, “this tastes like dirt!”
“We’ll of course it does, son. It was ground this morning!”

I hate it when you're on the toilet and you notice there is no toilet paper left. Then you have to walk with your trousers round your ankles to get another roll… Anyway, I'm nearly at the Walmart now!

Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!

Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth!

Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine!

Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis.

Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand!

A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine.

A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!

Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes?

Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What’s your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.

Baby, Maybe

On a visit to the zoo, a small 3 year old boy passes the stork exhibit and looks up at the birds intently.
As his family then moves on, he turns to his father and says, "Gee Daddy, they didn't even recognize me."

Balcony Life

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"
he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Hand In My Pocket

Photographer to young man: "It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
Father: "It would be much more realistic if he had his hand in my pocket."

23 'What do you call' Jokes to start week with some laugh

1. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny

2. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic

3. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

4. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

5. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso!

6. What do you call a dinosaur with a bandage on?
Dino-sore.

7. What do you call an old snowman?
Water

8. What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble

9. What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife

10. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran

11. What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi!

12. What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf!

13. What do you call an American bee?
A USB!

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

15. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist

16. What do you call a destroyed angle?
A rect-angle!

17. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

18. What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy

19. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law!

20. What do you call a woman with her briefcase stuck in a tree?
A branch manager!

21. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!

22. What do you call a man wearing a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time!

23. What do you call your daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her home late?
An ambulance