Father jokes (361 to 375)

An investment counselor went o

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $150,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

One Sunday morning William bur

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and veryproudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William.I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm nevergoing to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

A teacher told her young class...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

Welcome at Church?

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

 School Collection 11

Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!

Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Teacher: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!

A history joke
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
He liked to chop and change!

Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that?

Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!

The Piano Player

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class

about there parent's occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, "My mother is a nurse".

The teacher said, "That's wonderful, she helps to cure sick

people."

Andrew then out up his hand. "My father is a pilot," he

said.

The teacher said, "Congratulations! Your father helps people

get to where they are going."

Johnny then said, "Miss, my father plays the piano in a

brothel."

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her

head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnny's parents

came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he

really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnny's father replied that he wasn't. But that is what he

told Johnny because he didn't want to admit to being a lawyer.

An 18 year old Italian girl te

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up telephone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each... However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You're gonna try again."

How About a Drink?

A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan.
“It was my fault,” each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.
Concerned, the Jesuit said, “You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down.”
He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, “Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you’re probably shaken up too. Why don’t you have a drink as well?”
“I will,” the Jesuit replied, “but I think I’ll wait until after the police have come.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

The twins....

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen,on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

As a boy Jack Benny practiced

As a boy Jack Benny practiced faithfully on his violin each day. One Saturday a dog passed by and started howling dolefully under the window.
His father shouted downstairs, "For pity's sake, Jack, can't you play some piece the dog doesn't know!"

The first-time father, beside

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.
"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

Where's my hat?

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.

During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach on 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

A mother took her little boy t

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."

The high price of romance!

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.

Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:

"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."

A doctor remarked on his patie...

A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy, very red complexion.
"I know," said the patient, "it's from high blood pressure and it's from my family."
"Your mothers side or fathers side?" questioned the doctor.
"Neither, my wife's side."
"What do you mean?" the doctor said, "That cannot be. How can you get it from your wife's family?"
"Oh yeah, definitely," the patient responded, "you should meet them sometime!"