Father jokes (571 to 585)

A Sunday School teacher of pre...

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

 Letters To The Pastor

The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

At school, a boy is told by a...

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

Men's Rules

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or tanks.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.
23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.
25.No talking at the urinal.
26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.
27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."
28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.
29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
30.Real men don't dance.

A Fruitful Confession

Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."
The priest says, "Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"
Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."
So the priest says, "I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"
Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."
The priest says, "Was it that Rose O'Connell?"And Paddy responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."
So the priest says, "You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, "Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"
And Paddy says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."
"How was it?"
Paddy says, "Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"

Greeting cards you will not see at Hallmark...

'Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?'

'Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife.'

'How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?'

'I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind.'

'I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you.'

'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me.'

'As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...'

'Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!'

'Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.'

'Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you.'

'You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!'

'When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.'

'I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.'

'We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?'

'I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here.'

'Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?'

'You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.'

Redneck Custody

You might be a redneck if, your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan!

You might be a redneck if, you refuse to slide during a softball game because you don't want to crush your cigarettes!

You might be a redneck if, you're mowing your lawn and find a car.

You might be a redneck If, you were shooting pool when any of your children were born!

You might be a redneck if, you were conceived, born and taught on a pool table.

You might be a redneck if, the interviewer asks, '"Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?'" And you answer, '"What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet."

You might be a redneck If, you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog!

You are a redneck if your prom date is your brother, or if you went to the prom in your father's pickup truck!

You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does!

Interpreting the Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Flea for Your Life

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his life and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”

An Antartian died and went to...

An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 
2. How many seconds are in a year? 
3. What is God's first name?
The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered... 
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard." 
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...." 
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.

A Texas family of football sup

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outletmall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shopthe son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I'vedecided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the headand says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds hismother.
"Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy thisjersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head andsays, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy thisjersey".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towardshome.
The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned somethingtoday?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and Ialready hate you Texas bastards."

This young man was elated when ...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.
“Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven,” his father said.

A group of fathers are sitting

A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!" Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom." All the other fathers say in unison, "Jesus Christ!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"

A man and his wife received a...

A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you.
NOTE: “Please take only one drop”
So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion. The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.”
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
“Your father? Hmmm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.”
“So where is he?”
“Oh, that’s him I have on my back."

A very successful businessman...

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”