Father jokes (76 to 90)Jokes about fathers. These are the jokes listed 76 to 90. |
Getting Saved
A father asked his little boy if he knew how a person gets saved.“We’ll be saved by going to our church every Sunday,” the boy said without hesitation.His father explained that going to their church each week would not save them.“Well, then, we better find another church!” replied the boy.Going Courtin'
Pappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know," Johnny said, "and look what you got!"
Missing Palm Sunday
On Palm Sunday, a five-year-old boy had a sore throat and stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked them what they were.“People held them over Jesus’ head as He walked by,” his father told him.“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go and Jesus shows up.”All the farmers for a hundred
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer.
One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!" exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked, "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."
A few moments after the daught
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"The daughter shook her head sadly...
"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."
A little Native American boy a
A little Native American boy asks his chief how babies in their tribe get their names.The chief replies, "When a baby is born, the father takes him outside of the teepee, holds him over his head, and names him after the first thing he sees - like 'Running-Wolf' or 'Flying-Cloud'. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Screwing?"
A boy who was a witness to a c
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?""Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
A man who smelled like a disti
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seatnext to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin wassticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaperand began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man andapologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Brenda and Steve took their si
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."
22 Latest Christmas cracker jokes
What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water
Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker!
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost
Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer!
Q: What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells
Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer.
Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper!
Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack!
Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer!
Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it!
Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y!
Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards!
Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles!
Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side!
Q: What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door!
Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved!
Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless
Little Johnny and Susie were o
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
Help Me, Dad
Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
