Father jokes (781 to 795)Jokes about fathers. These are the jokes listed 781 to 795. |
Anger versus Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”
The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
Golfing on Sunday
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who's he going to tell?”
Spare the rod
A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son.As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment.
"What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
The man replied with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child."
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
“Would you like to go out, girl?” he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I'd love to!”
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Tom Papa: No Time for Romance
This is the romantic story of my life; the woman Im going to marry. Romance till the end of time. But then you have kids and pets and in-laws and mortgages and all this other crap. Theres no time for romance. We are now business partners in this awful non-profit organization.Really funny jokes-Great fathers
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
At a divorce court, a family o...
At a divorce court, a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.The judge asks the baby bear; Do you want to live with papa bear?
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me. "
The judge asked, "so do you want to live with mommy bear?"
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
"Dad, where did I come from?" ...
"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old.The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that.
He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son.
When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted him to ask the question, to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street, and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."
Billy and John were given a to...
Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday.After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears.
Now, John, said his father, I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.
And I did, said Billy; I had it going down, and he had it going up.
His father sends a small boy t...
His father sends a small boy to bed.Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
20 Pound Texas Baby
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and saidthat his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby"
weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they
congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the
typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How
much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh
twenty
pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup . . . just had him
circumcised!"
Really funny jokes-Outrageous flattering
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
Dumber Child
There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”
The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”
The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.
The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”
Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.
Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”
Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”
