Father jokes (1231 to 1245)

Bad gums

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."

The boy listened intently to his father's advice.

Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl.

Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shies away.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there." replied the young man.

"Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like."

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts.

"Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CAR...

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you.

I've changed my mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We have been friends for a very long time.

let's say we stop?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

New Woman on the Block.

New Woman on the Block

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think itÂ’s just the reflection off her shoes."

The Doctor's Sign

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new

practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of

his office, proclaiming his specialties:

"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him

please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he

put up a new sign:

"Queers & Rears."

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they

demanded the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not

offend the townspeople.

Finally, the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign:

"Odds & Ends"

Are you an honest lawyer...

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

An Unusual Prayer

Little Anne had been exceedingly naughty and during the

dinner hour she was forced to eat alone in the corner at a

card table. When everyone was seated, Father bowed his head

and gave thanks.

Then little Anne gravely bowed her head and said "Thank You

Dear Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of

my enemies."

Apple pie....

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.

Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A guy goes to the supermarket ...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,' My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's class teacher."

This baby is born and immediat...

This baby is born and immediately runs out of the delivery room and into the waiting room were all the expected fathers are. He walks up to the first guy and asks "Are you my daddy"?

The guy answers "No I'm not".

Baby walks up to the next guy and asks "Are you my daddy"?

Guy answers "No I'm not".

Baby walks up to the third guy and asks "Are you my daddy"?

The guy answers "Yes I am".

Baby says "Come here". As the guy bends forward towards the baby, the baby begins tapping him on the forehead with his index finger and asks "How do you like it".

Baptism....

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."