Food jokes (1591 to 1605)

1. If it is all the same to yo

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Dodgers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My step-mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my jobuntil there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

Parents explaining body parts

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers.

“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 You Might Be A Redneck If 62

You might be a reneck if...
You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You can name all the characters from the "Dukes of Hazzard".
You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
Your idea of a fancy dessert is "moon pie ala mode".

Three women: one engaged, one...

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

A trucker came into a truck st...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "Iwant three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of runningboards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to thekitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered threeflat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. Whatdoes he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair ofheadlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slicescrisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and thenspooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

Some 'Senior' personal ads s

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in 'The Villages'' Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes andbelt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let's get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosserto share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Mr.Gable had a leak in the roo

Mr.Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.
"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr.Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

A guy had told all of his frie

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 51

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 51. One to screw in the bulb, one to notice some small detail of the bulb-screwing and tie it into the Publius Enigma, 15 more to expand on his point, 12 to flame him, 10 to argue that you're not really screwing in a light bulb, that only Roger Waters can screw in a light bulb, 8 more to say that Dave Gilmour can screw in a light bulb better than Roger ever could, two to say that the best way to screw in a bulb is if Dave and Roger do it together, one to say that Syd Barrett is actually the best bulb-screwer, and of course one newbie to ask what Publius is, who will be subsequently referred to the FAQ, which he will then ask where to find.
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to buy the new one.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organizing each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.

I took some friends out to din

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.
"Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin,black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

A Rabbi, a Minister and a Wiccan Priestess...

A rabbi, a Unitarian Universalist minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry—and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
"You should have gotten all of our lunches!" scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi's, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?"
The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"
The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "What rocks?"

One Sunday morning William bur...

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Japanese Food

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

 Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter

From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."