Food jokes (1651 to 1665)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1651 to 1665. |
Jennifer's wedding da
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
”Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it..”
Her mother just smiled and replied,
”Of course I do, dear…..I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”
Heaven and Hell
A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."
If Women ruled the world...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- 'Ms.' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks.'
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like:'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'You're beautiful,' 'Of course you don't look fat in that outfit.'
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Deep Thoughts 08
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
1.) Never under any circumstan
1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11.) Never lick a steak knife.
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
Bumper Stickers 03
All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
West Virginia Crazy Law
Alderson
Nicholas County
Huntington
Jewish Personals
Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's
try it for eight days. Who knows?
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with,
light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not
important.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get
get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha
B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva
Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast"
lane.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same
in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No
personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who
will accept my independence, although you probably will not.
Oh, just forget it.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,
Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks
non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English
very good.
80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish
male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart
to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,
skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
Farm Jokes 07
Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
In a hog cabin!
What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
A clotheshorse!
Why do pigs never recover from illness?
Because you have to kill them before you cure them!
What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?
A road hog!
What do you call sheep that live together?
Pen friends!
What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
An egg!
What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
Udder nonsense!
What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Use a cowculator!
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!
What's a cows favorite vegetable?
A cowat!
A couple is trying to have a b...
A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"
