Food jokes (1681 to 1695)

A guy is trying to relax at ho

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this one question for me."
She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?"
His wife says, "I don't know."
He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"

Way to keep healthy level of i

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Little Jenny walked into the k...

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.
"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."
"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"
"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"
Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

A 57-year-old woman was arrest

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went beforethe judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can ofpeaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she washungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman'shusband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble...

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou sucketh.'

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'

5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap.'

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, 'Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening.'

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

There was a farmer who had a h

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five pounds to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

 Women

Women are physically stronger than men.Why? Because women can carry two mountains at a time while men can carry only two eggs... Take Note, with the help of a bird pa!

gomber pyle in theat

one day gomber pyle took his girlfriend to the movies and while they're waiting for the movie to start he says honey can i put my arms around you and she says sure and he did so a couple minutes later he says dear can i kiss you passiontly and she says why not so they kiss for about 3 minutes straight so about 5 minutes later he says baby can i blow in you ear and she says o.k. so he does then he says baby can i put my finger in your belly button and she says o.k. i guess so around that time the lights go out and the movie starts and all of a sudden she screams and yells and says you bastard that ain't my belly button and he says surprise surprise that ain't my finger either.

Jack goes to the doctor and sa

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

After the bank was r...

“After the bank was robbed, the owner bought cows to beef up the security.”

Different ways to say your not so bright...

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

A man and his dog walk into a

A man and his dog walk into a bar and sit on bar stools. The man says I want a Bud. The dog says I want a very dry Martini with three olives. A guy at a nearby table says to his friend, my God did you hear that. The friend says so what, lots of people like three olives in their Martinis.

 Real Flight Announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Ten Things You Will Never H

Ten Things You Will Never Hear Dad Say
1. Well, what do you know? I'm lost. We'll have to stop and get some directions.
2. Well, honey, you are thirteen now. I bet you're ready for un-chaperoned car dates!
3. I like all of your friends' "Up Yours" attitudes.
4. Here are the keys to my new car. Oh, take my credit card, too. Have fun!
5. Football? You want to play football? What about figure skating, son?
6. Mom and I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?
7. No, I don't actually know what is wrong with your car.
8. Son, let's go to the mall and get you an earring.
9. You don't need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.
10. Father's Day? Don't worry about that. It's no big deal!

Things to ponder
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Things to ponder
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
6. Life is sexually transmitted
7. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
8. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
9. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
12. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
17. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
18. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
19. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?