Food jokes (1861 to 1875)

Bean soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

 Silly Collection 06

What is Cheddar Gorge?
A large cheese sandwich!

What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea?
It gets wet!

Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her?
To feed her nightmare!

What city cheats at exams?
Peking!

What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn't eat much!

Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA?
Because it has 4 A's and one B!

Who invented fire?
Some bright spark!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

(FORMER) VICE PRESIDENT GORE

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

 Knock Knock Collection 021

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bach!
Bach who?
Bach of sweets!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bacon!
Bacon who?
Bacon a cake for your birthday!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

The Box

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.
The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box.
The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.  

“I had a problem with

“I had a problem with my boiled egg this morning. I've cracked it now!”

 True Marketing Errors

Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way.
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

A woman went into a busy cake...

A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, "You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl."
Snapped the harassed shop assistant, "I'm sorry about that but I'm serving as fast as I can."

A Shipwreck’s Synagogue

After many years shipwrecked on a desert island, Kaplan is rescued by a passing ship. Before leaving for home, he shows the ship’s Captain around the island. He points out the house he built from twigs and rocks and the vegetable garden he built to provide food. He then takes the Captain to the water’s edge and shows him the lovely synagogue he built."If this is the synagogue, then what’s that building over there?" the Captain asks.
Kaplan explains, "This is the synagogue that I go to. And that, that’s the synagogue I wouldn’t be caught dead in."

The Asylum Loonies..

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."

Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.

He says to the publican, "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.

"Let's call It $150," he says.

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?"

A lady went to the police stat

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband.
Lady: I lost my Husband.
Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Lady: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was he wearing?
Lady: Suit... Casuals... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with him?
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together...
And the lady started crying.
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

A mother-in-law sent two ties...

A mother-in-law sent two ties to her son-in-law. Some weeks later, she was invited for lunch, and so he wore one of them in the hope of pleasing her.
The meal was a tense and uncomfortable one, with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.
Finally she spoke. "Alright, what's wrong with the other tie?"

Every night, after dinner, a m...

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Before they hatch, go to the b

Before they hatch, go to the bank and open a chicken egg count.