Food jokes (2071 to 2085)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2071 to 2085. |
A teenage boy takes a quadripl
A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."Breast Exam Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine.
She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out!
Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Easter
10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments."9. You look really, really good in yellow.
8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.
7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.
6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."
2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.
1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?
From EasterHumor.com
There are five cows on a farm,
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."
Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
A little Boy was about to eat
A little Boy was about to eat a plate full of delicious meal for Dinner when his mom notice his urge to eat the food, she quickly ask him "have you said your prayer before eating that meal", The Boy replied "No I won't because I Don't want to give 10% of my Dinner".Specimen Bottle
Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and used poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass. In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."
Steve put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."
A man and a monkey walk into a bar
>The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.
The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!"
The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!"
The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it."
The man says, "Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.One diamond short of a ring.
One dimension short of reality.
One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One flower short of an arrangement.
One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One gene short of a full chromosome.
One goose short of a gaggle.
One handle short of a suitcase.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One inspection short of passing.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
Kiss
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word “KISS” scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, “Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much.” speaker replied,
“You don’t know my wife. The letters stand for “Keep It Short, Stupid.”
Midgets get hookers
Two midgets split a lottery ticket and end up winning the jackpot.
To celebrate, they get two hookers and adjoining motel rooms.
That night, the first midget sits on the bed, staring at the girl, but he has no idea of what to say or do.
The situation gets worse by the sounds he hears coming from next door: "Unh! Oh! Unh! Oh!
The next morning, the first midget walks dejectedly to breakfast. "Last night was terrible," he admits to his friend. "I didn't know what to say to the hooker."
"You think that's bad." the second one says, "I couldn't even get up on the bed!"
Submitted by ¤Ãúrtç¤
Edited by calamjo
