Food jokes (2281 to 2295)

Teacher: "Kids,what does the c...

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Location...Location...Location

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."

Odd signs...

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

Only In America

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3.Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

After-School Snack

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?

A: His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Ads During the Lewinsky Interview

The Five Commercials Aired During The Lewinsky / Walters

Interview"

(These actually aired during the interview)

5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.

4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and

I'll Cry if I Want To."

3. Oral-B Deluxe.

2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following

voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most

powerful leader in the world."

1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually has the

power to remove stains!"

Ancient discovery

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old.

They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says:

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

Two Roaches Discussion

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Knock Knock Collection 107

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jupiter!
Jupiter who!
Jupiter fly in my soup!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jussi!
Jussi who!
Jussi fruit!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justice!
Justice who!
Justice as I thought, no one home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!

Knock Knock Collection 123

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marcus!
Marcus who?
Marcus a book in the Bible!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maria!
Maria who?
Maria me, I love you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marian!
Marian who?
Marian money!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marie!
Marie who?
Marie the one you love!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marietta!
Marietta who?
Marietta whole cake!

Dining Companion

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing
sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

“You can't sing with ...

“You can't sing with a mouthful of garbanzo beans, so hummus a tune.”

Soap And Water

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner.
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

What Did You Learn?

Susie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

The American, The Asain, And The Canadian

There are 3 people standing on the top off a cliff, on american one asain and one canadian. They are told to throw off the item that appears most in their country. So the american says "Ah, that's to easy, I'll go first" so the american walks up to the cliff and throws off some drugs. The candian and the asain clap and say good job to the american. The american steps back and the asain goes next. He takes some rice and throws it of the cliff and says, "Too much rice, make me sick" The other two clap and the asain steps back and the canadian stepped forward. He thinks for quite a while and finnally decides. He picked um some beer and looked as if he was goin to throw it off but then he said, "Wait" and he chugged down the beer turned around grabbed the asain and threw him off the cliff and said, "Get the Fuck out of my country"