Food jokes (2476 to 2490)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2476 to 2490. |
A guy is reading his paper whe...
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
Deep Thoughts 10
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
Warning Signs that you are spending too much time Online
# Tech Support calls "YOU" for queries.
#. When an office colleague shares a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
# You discover yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
# You like to have your lunch in front of the computer.
# Your children are used to eating cereal in all their meals.
# When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "screaming" at you.
# When at work, your senior frequently reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.
# You barely notice anymore when someone has a typo.
# You discontinue talking in full sentences.
# You fail to type with proper capitalization or punctuation.
# You have formed the habit of double clicking your TV remote.
# You dream in codes.
# You have an identity crisis when you learn of someone using a screen name close to your own.
# You are confused as to who you are, having changed your screen names so many times.
# You say "Scroll up" when a friend asks, "What did you say?"
Only in America
Only in A...
Only in AmericaOnly in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
Police Chief Hates You
Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!
A.J. Jamal: Los Angeles Homeless
Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, 'Will work for food,' some of them have what they want: 'Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.'
Collar size
Having A Very Bad Day
You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
- Your income tax refund check bounces.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
- You put both contacts into the same eye.
- Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
- Nothing you own is actually paid for.
- Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
- The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
- The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
- People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
- When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
- You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
- You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Executive recruiting...
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF."
Doctor jokes-Tooth trouble
Math Problems
Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:
10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each
"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.
"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."
"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.
"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.
Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."
