Food jokes (2821 to 2835)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2821 to 2835. |
New drugs for men...
With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.Here are a few of the new ones:
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
Rules Of The South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Really funny jokes-Waiting in line
I am listing below a host of reasons to thank to all the hyper-markets like Wal-Mart, K-Mart, for having 20 to 25 checkout lanes and only four open at any given point of time.
- Waiting in long queues keeps my domestic brain from going completely redundant - there's so much to discover!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 16 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those irritating cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Daisy.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
Todd Barry: Italian Food
I know a lot of people wont eat Italian food at a restaurant. They always say the same thing, Im not going to spend $10 for a dollars worth of pasta. Plus no one makes Italian food like my grandmother. Well you do spend a little extra for Italian food at a restaurant but for that extra $9 you get a heaping side order of not hanging out with your grandmother.Really funny jokes-Final list of things to do in the Library
1. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind.
2. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .
3. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!?
4. Say, “Who's Freddie??Then act like you didn't say anything.
5. Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!
6. Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I'd like a hamburger, and a green South America please.?When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I'm sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.
7. Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you're in there!?When they ask what you're doing, say, “I'm calling the book genie out!?/font>
8. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph?!??Make sure you say MY.
9. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you're doing, say happily, “I'm roosting!?
10. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you're doing, say, “I'm counting my brain cells!?
11. Stick a ‘kick me?sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.
12. Repeat every thing they say to you.
13. Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath??When they look at you strangely, say, “What??
14. Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.?Then do it again.
15. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!?
16. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!
17. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.
18. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.
19. Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!?
20. Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?
21. Get a child's book like “Green Eggs and Ham?and complain that there is no glossary.
22. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative?and ‘yes? mean the same thing??
23. Say, “Omph!?like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How'd this stain get here??while motioning to the ketchup.
Really funny jokes-Persevere!
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”*
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
Actual instruction lables found on products...
ON A HAIR DRYER:Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Really funny jokes-Just a drill!
So one day out on the lake, Nicholas suddenly announced to Brenda, "Ok sweetheart, this is an emergency drill. Pretend that I am having a cardiac arrest. You must get the boat safely to shore."
Brenda was initially taken aback, but she soon composed herself and managed to safely drive the boat to shore.
Later that evening, Brenda walked into the living room where Nicholas was watching tv. She sat down next to him, snatched the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,"OK sweetheart, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a cardiac arrest. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."
Funny jokes-Charity
"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
Cold Water
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:Dormitory ... Dirty Room
Evangelist ... Evil's Agent
Desperation ... A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code ... Here Come Dots
Slot Machines ... Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity ... Is No Amity
Mother-in law ... Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms ... Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness ... Genuine Class
Semolina ...Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries ... Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point... I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes ... That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two ... Twelve plus one
Contradiction ... Accord not in it
President Clinton of the USA ... To copulate, he finds interns.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Grandma Jones...
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.
"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
A policeman brought four boys ...
A policeman brought four boys before a judge."They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
Really funny jokes-More things to do in a library
1. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.
2. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
3. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."
4. Spell every single word as you read it.
5. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.
6. Act like you're picking your nose. And eating it.
7. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.
8. Sneeze a lot.
9. Hold your book right next to your eyes.
10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
11. Stand up, and continue reading.
12. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.
13. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.
14. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.
15. Ask them, got milk??
16. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.
17. Fall out of your seat, then say, meant to do that.?Then do it again. And again.
18. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.
19. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.
20. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you're attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.
