Food jokes (2866 to 2880)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2866 to 2880. |
Signs of Irony...
Maternity Clothes Shop:We Are Open On Labor Day
Non-smoking area:
If We See You Smoking, We Will Assume You Are On Fire And Take Appropriate Action
On Maternity Room Door:
Push,Push,Push
Optometrist's Office:
If You Don't See What You're Looking For, You've Come To The Right Place
Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window:
We Really Know Our Stuff
Podiatrist's Window:
Time Wounds All Heels
Butcher's Window:
Let Me Meat Your Needs
Car Dealership:
The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet - Miss a Car Payment
Muffler Shop:
No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming
Hotel:
Help! We Need Inn - Experienced People
Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
Be Back In 5 Minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door:
Out Chopin
At the Electric Company:
We Would Be Delighted If You Send In Your Bill. However, If You Don't, You Will Be.
Garbage Truck:
We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
Computer Store:
Out For a Quick Byte
Restaurant Window:
Don't Stand There and Be Hungry, Come In And Get Fed Up
Bowling Alley:
Please Be Quiet. We Need To Hear A Pin Drop.
Music Library:
Bach In A Minuet
Growing Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Really funny jokes-Unmistakable signs you are a drunk
Unmistakable Signs you are a Drunk# You spent Saturday night in jail for cow-pushing — with your Ford V-8
# Although armed with fire extinguishers, your family stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
# Thanks to you, Bourbon Deluxe Bourbon stock is up 15 1/4 since Thursday.
# Vladimir Putin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
# For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
# For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.
# You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
# Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
# Smirnoff wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
# Dry cleaners and hotel employees greet you with, "Look, it's the Vomit guy!"
# The doorman asks for your identification just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
# Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
# Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
# You have to be told "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
TGIF
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When heentered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and
she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."
He
smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him,
puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her
remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was
trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a
quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally
decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered,
"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
A couple had been married f...
A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."
"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."
"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.
"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"
Morty was in his usual place i...
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
A**hole
While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her."Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like to get into those pants of yours."
"Thanks," she shot back, "But I've already got an a**hole in there."
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Yisman
Tour Bus Driver
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
Gourmet Reporter
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
I'm not drunk
A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside, promising himself he'll only have a couple of beers and then leave. Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears, sobbing: "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone."
The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on
you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."
The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You're a saint!"
The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.
She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."
The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It's true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."
She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."
He replies: "It wasn't me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."
She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"
He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too."
Amy Schumer: Negative Three
In New York Im, like, a six -- seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, What the f**k is that? Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, Beyonce calls it jelly. They were like, Thats cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.In the front yard of a funeral...
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
In the front yard of a funeral...
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
Hotdogs
Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money.
After many years, they have saved enough money and finally move to New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long: the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center, and others.
Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand.
Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.
The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.
He then turns to his brother and says: "What part of the dog did you get?"
