Food jokes (2896 to 2910)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2896 to 2910. |
Better write it down...
My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?"
"Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma.
Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine.
You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget.
Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma.
She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"...
How To Know You're Ready For Parenthood
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers
Ponder These
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “oneslice”? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It's all right?” When, it isn't all right.
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do
Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
What a break, I won a prize on the radio station…. tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
Temptation
On his birthday, he helps himself to a large piece of chocolate cake, and his wife reprimands him for asking for me.
Ron protests, "Don't you see, I can resist everything except temptation."
You look familiar
You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.
I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.
I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.
That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.
You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.
You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?
Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time?
Vatican Fried Chicken
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
What I Want in a Man
What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady — splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
The almonds....
A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing."
"Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea."
While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like."
After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your alomonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit."
Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."
Funny jokes-Inebriated judge
The judge said, "In that case, you are sentenced to 45 days."
What Men Call their Women
What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means….. Darling — Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear — Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart — If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe — Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll — This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
Princess — Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
Sexy — Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend — He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
The wife — If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half — You complete the set – he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus — See The Wife.
My partner — He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other — He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed — He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.
The factory bell
At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.
"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."
"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.
After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"
"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"
A man and his girlfriend were ...
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish."The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
