Food jokes (2926 to 2940)

A mother was preparing pancake...

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Mom saw the opportunity for a moral lesson and said, "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.
"Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can have the first chance at being Jesus!"

A couple walking in the park n...

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

A couple walking in the park n...

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

Short funny jokes-Drunk chicken

Santa: What can drunk chicken give you?
Banta: Scotch eggs!

Two guys were riding in a car,...

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville."

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant.

The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly."

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

Housecleaning

I don't do windows because … I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because .. They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because … I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because .. I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because … I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because .. My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don't stress much on anything because … “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

Really funny jokes-No cream

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF...

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Thanks A Lot

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern……..

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer use my cell phone because I could spontaneously combust at a gas station while refueling my car.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.

If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 5,000 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will poop on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a…etc…

(Editor's Note: This last statement is sarcasm — not to be taken seriously. In other words, please don't send an e-mail to 5,000 people and claim JokeDiary.com told you to do it….Thanks!)

A sweet little boy surprised h...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

A sweet little boy surprised h...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee.

He made it himself and was so proud.

He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip, she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Good jokes-Farmer in city

Joey, a farmer from the country, went to the big bad city to see the sights.
He inquired with the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 10, lunch from 12 to 3, and dinner from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired Joey in surprise, "When will I get time to explore the city?"

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank...

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank, were out to dinner.

The conversation drifted from office, sports, to politics, and then to cooking.

“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.

“You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

Dog and Cat

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

One line jokes-Old ladies