Food jokes (3376 to 3390)

"Vice President Cheney is...

"Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all beef dinners? Why don't they get some snow for him to shovel while he's out there, too?" -- Jay Leno

Million Dollar Question

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

Knock Knock Collection 167

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Soup!
Soup who?
Superman!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow use, I've forgotten my key again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spider!
Spider who?
Spider what everyone says. I like you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spillane!
Spillana who?
Spillane that Knock Knock joke!

A tour bus driver drives with ...

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

What is a CAT?

1. Cat...

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny Femme Lesbians in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny Butch Lesbians in little fur coats.

Mom Would Never Say

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
   
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
   
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
   
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
   
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
   
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
   
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
   
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
   
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
   

People who line up for dessert...

People who line up for dessert have a squeued scents of pie orderies.

Ole and Lena went to the same ...

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

Humor about Leprechauns

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir, I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

You Want Children?

Are You Ready for Children?
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Heinz recently improved the re...

Heinz recently improved the recipe for there tomato sauce. The rest of the industry was left playing ketchup.

Cat Jokes 04

Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

A: He felt funny!

Q: What's striped and bouncy?

A: A tiger on a pogo stick!

Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews!

Q: How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?

A: Smack a lion!

Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!

Q: How is cat food sold?
A: Usually purr can!

Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?

A: A tiger moth!

Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?

A: 'Let us prey.'

Irish emigration due to the gr...

Irish emigration due to the great potato famine, aka Starch Trek?

It was an elegant dinner party...

It was an elegant dinner party and the hostess had left nothing to chance, except that a little water had splashed on the marble floor. And when the waiter came into the dining room carrying the beautiful roast suckling pig, he slipped and fell flat, sending the roast flying. “Don’t worry, Tomas,” said the hostess calmly. “Just take the roast back to the kitchen and bring out the other one.”