Food jokes (3436 to 3450)

Student exams...

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.

Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam.

Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

The Sign

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

By the time the soldier pulled...

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

The man applied for a job with...

The man applied for a job with a chain food store. “What is your experience with groceries?” asked the interviewer. “Well,” said the applicant. “I’m eating them all the time.”

A Doctor at a health conferenc...

A Doctor at a health conference said “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

Old Goat

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Some Possible Computer Bumper Stickers

1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
2. <-------- The information went data way
3. The name is Baud...James Baud.
4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
9. E Pluribus Modem
10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
27. Hit any user to continue.
28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

Heaven and Hell

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

A man walks up to a cashier in...

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o", not "ho-lo-peen-yo".
The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."
The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please." The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."

All for free

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Submitted by Calamjo

EDited by Curtis

New Company Policy

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

Honey if you could..

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother".

Bumper Stickers 05

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

A guy says to his girlfriend, ...

A guy says to his girlfriend, "You know, they should make a perfume that smells like pizza."

His girlfriend says, "Why’s that?"

He says, "’Cause if I come home and you’re laying naked in bed with a pizza, well, you KNOW that pizza’s gonna get eaten!"

My pancake maker was stolen, <...

My pancake maker was stolen, syruptitiously. What a waffle experience - I feel like I've been creped. Who will solve this griddle? It's a salt and buttery: but will the charges stick?