Food jokes (3871 to 3885)

A wife woke in the middle of t...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

"What flavors of ice cream do ...

"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.

"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"

"No..." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

Battle of the sexes - The female perspective

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1) In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing
like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be
a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!"
and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.
2) I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to
take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
3) Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
4) And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5) After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not
expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I
let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6) I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7) In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.
8) I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform
you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll
invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to
stay.
9) After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".
10) I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and
remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will
only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of
course.
Signed:____________________________________
Date:________________

Two vampire bats...

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.

"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"

"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.

"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"

"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".

"Well, I didn't", replies the first.

Real Jerk

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.
"Oh really," the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gough, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it!" he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!" he says.
"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100... 200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!... ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.
After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

The Incredible Dogs #joke #humor

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workman's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

One day I met a sweet gentlema...

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner
and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed
delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I
took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chopping more than wood....

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. The very scared blonde raised her head and said, Is that you, Lord? The voice answered, NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.

Redneck Tests

Do you qualify to be a redneck? Find out below!

* You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it!

* You might be a redneck if you're considered an expert on worm beds!

* You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck!

* You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money.

* You might be a redneck if your wife wears the same underwear as you do.

* You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard!

* You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!

* You might be a redneck if you believe books are bad luck!

* You might be a redneck if rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!

* You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle."

* You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table!

* You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

* You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!

* You might be a redneck if your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table!

* You might be a redneck if you learned to drive in a monster truck!

* You might be a redneck if "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit!

* You might be a redneck if you believe All-Star Wrestling!

* You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck!

Shopping At The SuperMarket

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single,huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with Bob the whole time, so they voted to take turns sharing the room with Bob.
The first guy to sleep in the same room with Bob came to breakfast the next morning with his hair in a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other guys said, "Man, what happened to you?
Their exhausted co-camper said, "Bob snored so loudly, I gave up trying to sleep and just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. The man came to the breakfast table with his hair standing up, and eyes completely bloodshot.
Again his friends asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He replied: 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
His friends couldn't believe it. Flabbergasted they asked, "What happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched ME all night."

New Years Resolutions You Can Acheive #joke

Attainable New Year's Resolutions
This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Not believe politicians.
- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again.

What is a ghost's favo...

What is a ghost's favourite food?
Ghoulash

A man was at a bar one night a...

A man was at a bar one night and saw a beautiful redhead sitting in the booth opposite him. After about 5 minutes, he got up the guts to go talk to her. Just as he sat down, she sneezed and her glass eye flew out from her socket.

On reflex, the guy shot out his arm and caught her eye and gave it back to her. They started talking and the redhead invited the man to go to a movie with her, then go back to her place for a nightcap.

In the morning, she cooked him a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and the man said, "Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you?"

The redhead replied, "No, you just happened to catch my eye!"