Food jokes (4111 to 4125)

The almonds....

A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing."

"Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea."

While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says.

"Not at all, have as many as you like."

After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your alomonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit."

Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."

"If you'll make the ...

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" said the new husband.

"Toast and juice," the bride replied.

Translations For Men

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

A Rich old man, who inherited ...

A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?".
His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know I would marry you no matter who gave you the money".

A daughter who was concerned t...

A daughter who was concerned that her elderly mother hadn't had an exam in several years persuaded her mother to let her make an appointment for an exam with her doctor. She invited her to spend the night and offered to drive her to the appointment with lunch afterward.

On the day of the exam, they went together to the doctor's office and while the daughter waited in the lobby the mother nervously undressed, climbed up on the table, and, with the nurse's assistance, slid her heels into the stirrups.

The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly, then settled onto his stool. "My aren't we FANCY today!" he exclaimed as he lifted the sheet draped over the old lady's upraised knees.

Shocked, she had no idea what the doctor meant. When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed and rushed out to meet her daughter in the waiting room.

In a panic, she repeated what the doctor said. "What in the world do you think he meant by that?" the mother asked, bewildered.

"I have no idea, Mother. What did you do to prepare for the exam?"

"Well, I showered, and I used some of that feminine deodorant spray in your bathroom," the mother replied.

There was a slight pause as she looked her mother in the eye. "I don't HAVE any feminine deodorant spray, Mother."

"Yes you do-that tall pink-and-gold can."

"Mother! That's not deodorant. That's gold glitter hairspray!"

A woman phones up her husband ...

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."

An 8-year-old girl went to her...

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the garage.

"Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

"Why did you ask that question, honey?"

"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Carrots

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Bean soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

(FORMER) VICE PRESIDENT GORE

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

Praying for Peas

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying.
Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!”

Wife 1.0

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?! Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck.

Tech Support Matt Smith

Invisible Carrots

Whats invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!

A doctor and his wife were hav...

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

You might be a redneck if 21

You might be a redneck if...

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.