Food jokes (4291 to 4305)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 4291 to 4305. |
One morning while making break...
One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother".
You see....
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
One day there were three astro...
One day there were three astronauts a blonde, brunnete, and a redhead eating together.The brunette said, "Hey you guys we were the first people in outer space we should be proud of that," and they said, "Yeah, yeah we are.
Then they start to eat again when the redhead says "Hey you guys we were the first ones on the moon we should be proud of that too." They said, "Yeah, yeah we are."
The blonde starts thinking and about one hour later she says, "You guys, you know how we were the first one in outer space and the first ones on the moon?" They said, "Yeah, so?"
"So," the blonde said, "We should be the first ones on the sun too."
The redhead says, "You crazy blonde, if we got within a 100 mile radius of the sun we would burn up and die."
The blonde replies, "You are the crazy, we wouldn't go during the day. We would go at night."
A man went to a fancy dress pa...
A man went to a fancy dress party wearing trousers, a roll-neck sweater, and a balaclava, all light brown. He was carrying a woman,wearing a brown and fawn dress,piggy back style.The host asked ''What about the woman?"
The man replied ''She's Michelle.''
Mark Wilson, Joppa
What's another name for a sugar daddy?
A lolly pop
A man walks into the street an...
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "C. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me.
Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
What did one plate say to the ...
What did one plate say to the other plate?A man takes the ferry home from work
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Another wife?
At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.
"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'
"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"
One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"
Marty wakes up at home with a ...
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - Priceless
Big Chief
A young reporter is out on her first assignment, a full piece story on the local Indian reservation and it's tribe. The first day the reporter arrives and is greeted by a young Indian with one feather in his headband.The reporter asks "What is the one feather for?"
The indian replies "One feather for one woman I sleep with."
"Oh, ok." replies the reporter, kind of thrown off guard by his response.
The next night at dinner the reporter meets the Chiefs son, who has 20 feathers in his headband, so the reporter asks "What are the 20 feathers for?"
"20 feathers for 20 women I sleep with." he says.
The reporter replies "Oh, gosh! That's a lot!"
The chiefs son says "Come, me introduce you to Chief"
So finally, the reporter is introduced to the tribes Chief and the Chief has this long flowing fancy head-dress with feathers down to the floor and dragging behind him.
The reporter must ask: "Chief, what are all the feathers for?"
The Chief says "Each feather for each woman I sleep with."
"Oh, dear!" says the reporter.
Quickly, the Chief replies, "Deer? Deer no good, ass too high, run through bush too fast!!"
Edited by Curtis and Calamjo
