Food jokes (436 to 450)

Dog at the Park

I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him...
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Indian raitas

Indian raitas pen a lot of naan-fiction. They unfold at a curried paste. I like to sit down in Mahal and read them. I got so engrossed the last time when my mom was leaving the house I didn't even wish her ‘Mum, bai.' Lucky she left me a deli sandwich. I Vishnu could read them all, but in India, of these books, they ban galore.

Is It A Crime?

Lawyer: "Is it a crime to throw sodium in your enemy's eyes?"
Judge: "Yes, that's assault."
Lawyer: "I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

What constitutes a big breakfa

What constitutes a big breakfast? Well, in France, an egg is an oeuf to eat.

Adam was hanging around the Ga

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be awoman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, andwhen you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had adisagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passionwhenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A woman was on the witness sta

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."

 The Family Of Tomatoes

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

 The Top Ten Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-mail Account

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

Little Zachary was doing very

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,flash cards, special learning centers.In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

I am over 60 and the Armed For

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a*****e that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical arsewipe.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! You ain't seen nothin' yet!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night!

Where Have You Been?

My boss came to me at lunch, "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"
I shrugged and said, "Good employees are hard to find!"

While attending a marriage sem

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wifeCarolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbandsand wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "PillsburyAll-Purpose, isn't it honey?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....

If They Made Toasters

If They Made Toasters
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

 Having A Very Bad Day

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
   
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
   
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
   
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
   
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
   
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
   
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
   
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
   
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
   
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
    
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
    
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
    
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
    
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
    
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
    
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
    
17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
    
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
    
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
    
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
    
21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
    
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
    
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
    
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
    
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
    

A young man and woman were eag

A young man and woman were eager to enjoy a picnic in the park one Saturday noon, and they opted to go through a fast-food drive-in for a quick snack.
They ordered, paid, got their bag of goodies, and headed for the park. When they opened the bag, it was full on money instead of the hamburgers they expected.
They rushed back to the fast-food place and returned the money.
"This is WONDERFUL," exclaimed the manager. "We've been looking for this money all morning and couldn't figure out where it could have been misplaced. You two are an honest couple. A lot of people would not have the morals and honesty to return the money. I'm going to call the TV and the newspapers and let everybody know what an honest deed you've done."
"Uh, don't do that," says the man, "my wife might see it on TV."