Food jokes (436 to 450)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 436 to 450. |
26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes
Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!
A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze.
Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking.
My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!
Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?
Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.
Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack!
Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course!
Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour!
Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash!
Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather!
Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing.
Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.
Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.
Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack.
Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme.
Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet.
Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.
Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree.
Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.
20 fresh jokes for Thanksgiving 2020
Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The G.
Q: Why did the turkey refuse dessert?
A: He was already stuffed.
Q: The day after the holiday, what did the fridge say when it was asked, "Is everything al-right over here?"?
A: "No, everything is all left-over here!"
Q: Why was the turkey asked to join a band?
A: He could bring his own drumsticks.
Q: If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
A: Scholar ships.
Q: What don't you want to wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A white shirt or high-waisted pants.
Q: What do you call the age of a Pilgrim?
A: A pilgrimage.
Q: What kind of key can't open doors?
A: A tur-key.
Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?
A: He sensed fowl play.
Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Finally enough drumsticks for everyone at Thanksgiving.
Q: Why does this Native Indian chief put on a lot of feathers?
A: To help keep their wigwam.
Q: What is the real key to the perfect thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY.
Q: On which side the turkey has got the majority of feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: How will you make the turkey float?
A: You will need a few root beer, two scoops of delicious ice cream, and the turkey.
Q: Is it possible for the turkey to jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because a building cannot jump anyway.
Q: What is the type of vegetable that you would like on this Thanksgiving?
A: Beets me!
Q: What is the type of potatoes that go oui-oui-buzz-buzz?
A: French flies.
Q: Why do the cranberries change red?
A: When they saw the turkey dressing!
Q: At what time the turkey soup can be bad for yourself?
A: In case if you are that turkey!
17 new Thanksgiving jokes for 2020
Q: What happens when cranberries get sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: Why was the soup at Thanksgiving so pricey?
A: It had 24 carrots.
Q: What kind of 'tude is appropriate at the family dinner?
A: Gratitude.
Q: Why was the turkey put in jail?
A: The police suspected fowl play.
Q: What's Frankenstein's favorite Thanksgiving dish?
A: Monster mash potatoes and grave-y.
Q: Why did Mom's turkey seasoning taste a little off last year?
A: She ran out of thyme.
Q: What did the Pilgrim wear to dinner?
A: A (har)vest.
Q: What can you call your brother who falls asleep after dinner?
A: Your napkin.
Q: What did the salad say to the butter who kept making jokes?
A: You're on a roll.
Q: What's a running turkey called?
A: Fast food.
Q: Who should you invite to your Friendsgiving?
A: Your close group of Palgrims.
Q: Why did the turkey bring a microphone to dinner?
A: He was ready for a roast.
Q:On Thanksgiving, what does Dad have in common with an exhausted baseball player?
A: They're both likely to fall asleep between plates.
Q: What's one thing that you'll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
A: You'll both be filled with stuffing.
Q:How can you unlock the greatest Thanksgiving experience ever?
A: By making sure to bring the tur-key.
Q: With Coronavirus being a possible concern this year, what's likely to be the most popular side dish?
A: Masked potatoes.
Q: Why were the beans accused of being jealous of the other side dishes?
A: They were so green.
There was a fly buzzing around
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of sh*t.
Purina Diet
A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?).On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require need help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.
12 Types of People on Facebook
12 Types of People on FacebookAll of us on Facebook have at least one of each of these types of friends on our list:
1) The "Rooster" -- Always tells Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" -- Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status when seeing you in public.
3) The "Hyena" -- Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" -- Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.
5) The "Gamer" -- Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Farmville, and Bejeweled Blitz, and bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc. (ALL DAY).
6) The "Cynic" -- Hates his life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of his status updates.
7) The "Collector" -- Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" -- Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" -- Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.
10) "Drama Queen/King" -- This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!" or "They gonna make me snap today!" in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong ... but then never finishes telling the story.
11) The "News" -- Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and lastly...
12) The "Thief" -- Steals status updates ... and will probably steal this one ...
It was George the Mailman's l
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
20 more of 2020 Halloween Jokes
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end.
Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi!
Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx!
Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula.
Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles
Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving!
Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies.
Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas.
Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life!
Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the
Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle.
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts.
Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there!
Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!
Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard.
Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy.
Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos.
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
22 Fresh Halloween jokes for 2020
Q: Why do ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures
Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
A: Bam-BOO!
Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.
Q: Why did the zombie skip school?
A: He felt rotten.
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange.
Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers!
Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q: What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music.
Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Q: Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.
Q: What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
A: The grim sweeper. Q:
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.
Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand-witch!
Q: What's a witch's favorite makeup?
A: Ma-scare-a.
Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely?
A: The crossing gourd.
Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A: Candy corneas.
Q: What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve?
A: Bam-BOO!
Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no-body to go with.
This couple just got married a
This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake.
Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, "Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"
The new groom said, "Well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea."
The second old man said, "Well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? Everybody's doing it these days."
The groom says, "Yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."
The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea."
The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"
He said, "Well she's also got worms... and I do love to go fishing."
A guy goes to see his grandmot
A guy goes to see his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts that are on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As they're leaving, the friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts".
The grandmother says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only lick the chocolate off of them".
