Food jokes (4486 to 4500)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 4486 to 4500. |
Doctor Doctor Collection 07
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!
Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then
Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then!
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE ...
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandad's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Railroad Redneck
Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."
Solving a dispute
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."
A nun and a huge man were stan...
A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."
Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."
There were three women who alw...
There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard.When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet - all the laundry,
...except for the redhead's.
The other two women wonder why the redhead never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to the redhead, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says the redhead, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at my husband. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says the redhead, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
Chinese Jews
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
Jealous Revenge
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
Scary Collection 19
A vampire joke
What did the vampire say after he had been to the dentist?
Fangs very much!
A vampire joke
What happened when the vampire went to the blood bank?
He asked to make a withdrawal!
A skeleton joke
What sort of soup do skeletons like?
One with plenty of body in it!
A werewolf joke
What happened to the werewlf who ate garlic?
His bark was worse than his bite!
A werewolf joke
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
I don't know, but if it laughs I'll join in!
A skeleton joke
What kind of plate does a skeleton eat off?
Bone china!
A skeleton joke
Which skeleton wears a kilt?
Boney Prince Charlie!
A three-year-old boy is ...
A three-year-old boy is in the bath examining his testicles, as three-year-old boys do.
With a serious look on his face he asks his mum,
"Mommy, are these my brains?"
With an equally serious and concerned look, his mother replies,
"No honey, but in time they will be"
