Food jokes (646 to 660)

Husband over by a car

Two women friends talking:

- You know, I sent my husband to our local market place to buy potatoes today. But on his way there he was run over by a car.

- Oh, that's awful. What will you do now?

- I don't know. I will probably cook rice pudding...

A visit with Grandpa...

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Begin by standing on a comfort

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface , where you have plenty ofRoom at each side. With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your armsstraight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that youcan hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB potato sacks. Then try50-LB potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I 'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

10 ways to tell someone the

10 ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped
1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out
3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
6. Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
10. Men are From Mars, Women can see Your Penis

A Japanese family just arrived

A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.
Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.
After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning "Oshima!". Believing this must mean she's getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming "Oshima!, Oshima!!".
The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one. Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out "Oshima!!".
The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says...
"What do you mean wrong hole?!"

 Travel To Heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

“We're having a Japa

“We're having a Japanese-themed dinner party. Wanna kimono?”

Calories That Don't Count<

Calories That Don't Count
We have it on experience (our own and thousands of others) that the following food and situations have no calories to speak of (although the knowledgeable might describe them as unspeakable calories.)
OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chip eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up ... without calorie consequence.
TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.
LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. It's in the Bible.
CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. (See "Charitable Foods.")

Choking victim at the food court

“A man saw a choking victim at the food court of a famous New York museum. Naturally, he performed the Guggenheimlich manoeuvre.”

If I won the lottery

A man came home one day and said to his wife: "Honey, what would you do if I said I'd won the lottery?"

She sneered: "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Excellent," he replied. "I hit 3 numbers and won $10. Here's $5, pack your bags and get out."

 Try To Settle The Dispute

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield Because he said ..... It's tough to staymarried. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink frommy glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexynegligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I wentover. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are yougoing to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hatemyself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's whenyou put a bagover your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchenthe roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested formooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hearthe Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me fromChicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't ofhad anything to play with.

A sweet little boy surprised h

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

 Defining These Words

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.
Harlez-vous français?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?
Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.
Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.
Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.
Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.
Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.
Apès Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.
Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.
Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.
Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.
Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.
Visa la France.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.
L'état, c'est moo.
I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)
Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)

Complaining about price of cinema food

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Author:EdgarWronged on reddit