Food jokes (751 to 765)

Women should not have children

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Looking Into Their Eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Prayer Before Meals

A hungry little boy was beginning to eat his dinner when his father reminded him that they hadn't prayed."We don't have to," said the little boy. "Mommy is a good cook!"

Today's Halloween Specials:

Today's Halloween Specials:
Ghoulash, scream beans, scalped potatoes, and Mummy's tomb-make booberry pie with I scream.

Freudian Slip

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, 'Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about saying things that don't come out the way we meant them to?'
The psychiatrist replies, 'You mean Freudian slips?'
'Exactly, those. Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my husband, and I meant to say, 'Honey, could you please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You damn fool, you ruined my life.''

 Knock Knock Collection 129

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Miniature!
Miniature who?
Miniature open the door, I'll tell you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minneapolis!
Minneapolis who?
Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minnie!
Minnie who?
Minnie more!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minnie!
Minnie who?
No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minsk!
Minsk who?
Minsk meat!

A Faithful Woman

An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

 Watch Real Baseball

Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
They keep shouting "Do over!"
When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
They play like the Mets

Oxymorons
1.

Oxymorons
1. Act naturally
2. Found missing
3. Resident alien
4. Advanced BASIC
5. Genuine imitation
6. Airline Food
7. Good grief
8. Same difference
9. Almost exactly
10. Terribly pleased
11. Sanitary landfill
12. Alone together
13. Legally drunk
14. Silent scream
15. Living dead
16. Government organization

Repaying a Debt

The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her."No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste."Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded."Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!""Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives.""Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"

 Bee Jokes 03

Q: What does a bee get at McDonalds?
A: A humburger!

Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?
A: A bee in a submarine!

Q: What's more dangerous than being with a fool?
A: Fooling with a bee!

Q: What did the spider say to the bee?
A: Your honey or your life!

Q: Who is a bee's favorite painter?
A: Pablo Beecasso!

Q: What did the bee to the other bee in summer?
A: Swarm here isn't it!

Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?
A: Bee-thoven!

Q: Who writes books for little bees?
A: Bee-trix Potter!

Q: Where do bees go on holiday?
A: Stingapore!

Q: What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?
A: He's bee-witched!

Man vs. Woman _ Part 1

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’'
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?'
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.'

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!'

A man was sitting on the edge

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking atherself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked whatshe'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. Onthe morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl ofLucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! Heput her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, theScreaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hourslater they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reelingand her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal withextra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favoritecandy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with herhusband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dresssize, you dumb ass!"

 Mega Moron Awards

MEGA MORON AWARDS
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Number 10
Life is sexua

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ....Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers:
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!