Food jokes (841 to 855)

Grandpas Advice Was So Awesome

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12.
We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family.
“And son,” he said, “be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”
“How come, Grandpa?” I asked.
“It makes your pecker look bigger.”

 Yo Mama Is So Ugly

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Signs No One Reads Your E-M

Signs No One Reads Your E-Mails
1. You get replies with "REMOVE" in the subject header.
2. You accidentally encrypt them and nobody says anything....for months.
3. You reference documents that need review/input, but forget to attach them and everyone emailed back saying the docs looked good.
4. When you send out the message, "Doughnuts in my cubicle!" and they're still there by the end of the day.
5. You send out an invitation to a lunch provided by a vendor, and no one shows.
6. You send repeated e-mails to everyone that the system would be down over the weekend for maintenance. Monday morning, your voice mailbox is full of questions about what happened to the system.
7. You offer increasingly larger amounts of money to whoever responds to your email...still no takers.
8. You request a day off to attend a funeral and your boss replies with, "Fine - have a great time."
9. You announce that the entire department has given two weeks notice and no one responds.

It Had Been Snowing All Night

It had been snowing all night - So .....................:
8:00 am I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, 'Snowballs' and am now called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.
Moral: There is no moral to this story.

 Revised Christmas Days

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Number 10
Life is sexua

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ....Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers:
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!

Pork at a July 4th Picnic

A priest and a rabbi met at the annual July 4th picnic. They were old friends and loved to tease one another. "This baked ham is really good,” said the priest. “You really ought to break down and try some.”"I will, I will,” replies the rabbi, smiling, “at your wedding.”

“In the deli, I learn

“In the deli, I learnt the finer aspics of making jello salad.”

 Feline Physics Laws

>Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
>Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
>Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
>Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
>Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
>Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
>Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
>Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
>Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
>Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
>Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
>Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
>First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
>Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
>Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
>Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
>Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
>Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
>Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
>Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
>Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
>Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
>Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
>Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
>Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
>Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

A soldier, a sailor and an air

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.
"It is the laser," said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional."
"No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch."
"I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos."
"The thermos?" exclaimed the other two.
"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, just think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it."
"Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.
"Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"

A Depressed Blonde Guy Walks Into A Bar

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The Blonde Guy replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

A few months later the guy is back in the bar.

The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.

Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"

The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

Why Men Are Happier Than Wo

Why Men Are Happier Than Women
Men seems to have gotten the better deal than women, perhaps that is why men are happier than women?
1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be President.
6. You can never be pregnant.
7. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
8. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
10. The world is your urinal.
11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
12. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
13. Same work, more pay.
14. Wrinkles add character.
15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
16. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
18. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
19. One mood all the time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
21. You know stuff about tanks.
22. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
23. You can open all your own jars.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
26. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32. You only have to shave your face and neck.
33. You can play with toys all your life.
34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
35. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
36. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
37. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Why English Is Tough

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

A man was sitting on a London

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".