Food jokes (841 to 855)

My Wife a Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

If College Students Wrote The Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font. A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov. Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.

Joe passed away. His will prov

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."

 Scary Collection 39

A skeleton joke
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on!
A werewolf joke
Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?
Anywhere he wants to!

A ghost joke
How do ghosts like their drinks?
Ice ghoul!

A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?
Boney M!

A vampire joke
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won't get stake!

A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
He was a numbskull!

A werewolf joke
I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!

On their first date, a man ask...

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.'"

 English Language

The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

A man and his wife were celebr

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have timeto get you both a present."
Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're allhere together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great,Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busypacking... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of usare together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father putdown his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a longtime. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your motherand I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just neverfound the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"

American-Yiddish Dictionary

JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish. TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah. CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper. DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn. FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food. KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours. OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants. JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

 Scary Collection 08

A ghost joke
What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone?
"I told you I was ill"!

A vampire joke
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?
I don't know but it would slow him down!

A witch joke
How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn't take it far enough into the woods!

A cannibal joke
What did the cannibal mum say to her son who was chasing a missionary?

''Stop playing with your food''!

A witch joke
What do witches race on?
Vroomsticks!

A Halloween joke
How do you get the most apples when bobbing at Halloween
Wear a snorkel!

A witch joke
What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north!

 A Great Fruit Cake Recipie

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Praying for Coffee Cake

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic."This is a very special coffee cake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”

American Tourist versus Australian

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, “You Australian folk eat the whole bread?”
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.”
The American blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. “Do you eat jam with the bread?” Sighing, the Australian replied, “Of course.” Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”
The Australian then asked, “Do you have sex in the States?”
The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.”
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
“We throw them away, of course.”
Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile. “We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.”
Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s

When We Were First Married

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'

Because of an ear infection, L...

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

“For a holistic diet,

“For a holistic diet, eat lots of Swiss cheese.”