Food jokes (871 to 885)

“Quite a few people l

“Quite a few people left the office to attend Ash Wednesday services at lunch - it was a mass exodus!”

Did you ever see the customers

Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead.
In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course, but they look terrific.

Tourist in DC

A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.
As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”
“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?”
“Well no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that.
But it’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.”

Upon arriving home, a husband

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it...
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... Well, Mister, I told her!"

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Y

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

 Quotes From Stupid 03

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."
Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV
"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."
"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible

10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays. 4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again? 1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

A man tells his friend, "I wen

A man tells his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking."
"What did he say?"
"He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate."
"Did that do any good?"
"No I can't get the chocolate to light."

The following ad in the Atlant...

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.

Tax Preparation Software Vs. Hiring An Accountant

Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.
Marketing Strategy:
Tax Preparation Software: TurboTax’s Super Bowl commercial featured DJ Khaled
Accountant: Guy in Statue of Liberty costume twirling sign
Difficulty:
Tax Preparation Software: A little confusing to select deductions
Accountant: Terrifyingly easy to hand over your whole life to them
Best For:
Tax Preparation Software: Young, single renters with straightforward taxes
Accountant: Accountants
Speed:
Tax Preparation Software: As long as it takes you to go fill out online forms
Accountant: As long as it takes accountant to fill out online forms
Likelihood Of Having To Make Small Talk About Your Children For A Few Minutes:
Tax Preparation Software: Low
Accountant: High
Thrives On Ignorance:
Tax Preparation Software: Yes
Accountant: Yes
Greatest Benefit:
Tax Preparation Software: Not a human being
Accountant: Not a computer program
Tax Refund:
Tax Preparation Software: Smaller than you hoped
Accountant: Smaller than you hoped

A Woman's Random Thoughts...

A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'listen wench...do it and die.'
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

From the Onion ~ Pros And Cons Of Standing Desks

Standing desks are becoming more popular in workplaces where employees would otherwise sit all day, but not everyone thinks a standing desk is right for them. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a standing desk.
PRO
Improves ability to talk about having a standing desk
Encourages more natural spinal curvature while staring at screen for eight continuous hours
Increases blood flow to your feet, where your best thinking is done
One step closer toward the ultimate dream of flying desks
Easy way to create illusion you actually give a sh*t about work

CON
Could wind up forgetting how to sit entirely
Might be happier not knowing how difficult it has become for you to stand up for longer than 30 minutes
More visible target for office shooter
Eliminates satisfaction of leaning back in your chair with your hands behind your head after sending a killer email
You’ll still eventually die

Four guys were at deer camp...

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."