Food jokes (961 to 975)

Don't jibba-jibba at me

Don't jibba-jibba at me with that onion breath, you rap scallion!

I moved to Mexico to become an

I moved to Mexico to become an egg. It's my new religion. I'm a Yo Huevos Witness.

A large company, feeling it wa

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $300 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza.

There was an elderly widow who...

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

1. Now that food has replaced

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

Finding a bottle on the beach,

Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.
"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.
"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."
Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.
"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."
Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deed to an ocean side property in Hawaii.
"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! There's another blinding flash ...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.

A couple attending an art exhi...

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Senior Guessing

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”

Joe Smith started the day earl

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am .While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA )Was perking, he shaved with hisElectric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),Designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) andTennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)After cooking his breakfast in his newElectric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)He sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)To see how much he could spend today.After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN)To the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car(MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS(from Saudi Arabia) and continued his searchFor a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouragingAnd fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while.He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL)Poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)And turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

“Eating breakfast in

“Eating breakfast in front of the TV at the same time every day turns the meal into a serial.”

A woman goes to Spain to atten...

A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "A Spanish girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - a Spanish girl!!"
"Oh, that," she said "Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!"

One night at the dinner table...

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

A dietician was once addressin

A dietician was once addressing a largeaudience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachsis enough to have killed most of ussitting here, years ago. Red meat isawful. Vegetables can be disastrous,and none of us realizes the germs in ourdrinking water. But there is one thingthat is the most dangerous of all and weall eat it. Can anyone here tell me whatlethal product I'm referring to?, You,sir, in the first row, please give usyour idea."
The man in the front row lowered his headand said, "Wedding cake."

Vice President Pride

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

I'll eat any kind of swe

I'll eat any kind of sweet potato. I'm yambidextrous.