Food jokes (1171 to 1185)

Three Little Pigs went out to

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy..
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Passover Fish

how thirsty they were after walking so far. They were not able to drink from the walls of Red Sea water on either side since it was salt water.Then, a fish out of a wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people. Through their own gills, they could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths to become fresh water for the Israelites to drink.Moses accepted the fish's offer, but the fish and his family also had a demand: Their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal since they had a part in the Passover story. Moses agreed to this and then said, "Go Filter, Fish!" To this day, this phrase remains the name of the fish (gefilter) eaten at Passover.

 Knock Knock Collection 197

Knock Knock
Who's there?
X!
X who?
X for breakfast!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier your breath, I'm not leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Xenia!
Xenia who?
Xenia stealing my sweets!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ya!
Ya who?
I didn't know you were a cowboy!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by know!

A contestant on "Who Wants to

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

...your sweetie says, "Lets go

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you'rebarefoot.
...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garagedoor nearest your car.
...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don'thave to go along.
...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by thepolice.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Some great things about getting older...

Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

You don't need the shingles with the 30 year guarantee.

There is no need to spend money for a psychic to see your future.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important as it used to be.

Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense.

You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man.

No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze.

You may never have to vacuum under the bed again.

Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible.

You don't have to bother planting perennials.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

A very tired husband came home

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.
She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."
"How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear, "Shall we do 69?"
"I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.
"Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.
"You do me, and I'll owe you one."

Daniel Tosh: Not Music Television

The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' -- they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'

Those who are willing to taste

Those who are willing to taste unfamiliar foods will try-yum-ph in the end.

Ladies – Some Fact About Men

Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.
Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.
Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.
Men are like place mats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like high heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

 Quotes Of Companies

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

A boss was complaining in a st

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn'tgetting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop andbought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to hisoffice door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone hadtaped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her signback!"

 Sorry For Eating The Peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

A robust-looking gentleman ate

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"
"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right," said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."