Food jokes (1411 to 1425)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1411 to 1425. |
One day in class, the teacher...
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
A teacher told her young class...
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
McDonalds Food Ideas
Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds: - Chicken McBobbitts
- Salmon McNella
- Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
- Shirley McLean Burger
- McMenudo
- Filet o' Gefilte Fish
- Way Too Happy Meal
- Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
- Them Ain't Nuggets!
- McKitty Sandwich
- Boutrous Boutrous Burger
- Rocky Mountain McOysters
- McSpleen
- The Depressed Meal
- Filet O' Flesh
- McShrooms
- Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
- McTonya Club Sandwich
- Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
The preacher and the peanuts...
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him.
'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks the lady.
'Help yourself,' she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eated almost all of the peanuts in the bowl.
'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I only meant to eat a few.'
'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them.'
Little Johnny In Class
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.''Very good, William,' cooed the teacher.'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?''It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'The Chaplain had been assigned
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line."A smile, a cheerful comment, and a willingness to serve, will all reap great benefits," he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
Escargot
A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.
The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Off duty....
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Only in America
Only in AmericaOnly in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Easy diagnosis....
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
The young woman really thought
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
A man is driving down the road...
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task .
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,"The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And soit went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
