Food jokes (1411 to 1425)

Judi walks into the library, l

Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.
Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."
The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."
Judi nods. Then she whispers, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke...."

Two women were having lunch to...

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Living with the Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

The Irishman's Olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Cheap Meat

Q: What's the cheapest kind of meat?

A: Deer balls. They are under a buck.

Smith was sitting down to brea

Smith was sitting down to breakfast, when he saw his own name in the obituary column. He immediately called his friend Jones.
"Hey, did you see my name in the obituaries?"
"Yes, I did. Um....where are you calling from?"

“The gourmet diner af

“The gourmet diner after consuming several plates of fish eggs, developed a caviar attitude about appetizers.”

A wealthy old lady decides to

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Blondes Birthday

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.

"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great...but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already...You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

A man and woman got divorced a...

A man and woman got divorced after about three years. The woman decided to find another man. She went out and dated several men, but could not find one who satsifed her in bed. So she decided to try a woman. She went to different places and bars trying to find someone.
Then she met this woman. They talked and hit it off ok. So they went home and went to bed together. After they had finished having sex the woman said, "You know that wasn't all that good."
The other woman rolled over and said, "That's OK, sugar. You weren't any better when we were married."

“The new restaurant o

“The new restaurant owner was told to invite a warehouse staff for lunch because he heard they have good pallets.”

Pope and Purdue

One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome.

When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this: "It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to give the Church $500,000 if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. What do you think?"

The Pope pondered for a second and said: "I don't really think so."

Well, Mr. Purdue was not going to be let down by this so he continued: "Purdue Chickens is so organized that we figured that there would be a little dificulty in the first offer. Okay, we are prepared to give the Church $1 million dollars to change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens'."

The Pope thought a little longer this time and responded: "No, I really don't think so."

Now, Mr. Purdue was getting a little nervous. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. He said: "Now, we at Purdue Chickens didn't really think that the offer was going to go this far, but nevertheless, we prepared ourselves. We are willing to give the Church $5 million if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens.' What do you think?"

The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue blankly and then said: "Sure."

Later that day the Pope had a meeting with the Cardinals. He said: "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good new is that the Church has gained $5 million dollars. The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."

“My cousin works in a

“My cousin works in a chocolate shop. He works behind the bar.”

Vatican Fried Chicken

A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

One Sunday morning William bur

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and veryproudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William.I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm nevergoing to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."