Food jokes (1441 to 1455)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1441 to 1455. |
The young woman really thought
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
A man is driving down the road...
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task .
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,"The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And soit went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Little voices
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
Yo Momma So Stupid
yo momma so stupid that she is always standing on the corner handing out potato chips yelling free lays.yo momma is so stupid that when the teacher told her to do an essay, she went and screwed a mexican.
yo momma so stupid that when they told her to do a colage, she said collage?, i didnt even graduate from highschool how am i supposed to do that.
yo momma so stupid that she sits on the tv nd watches the couch.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You might be a reneck if...Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
You only bathe when it rains.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
Wedding vows...
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Knock Knock Collection 148
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Phoebe!
Phoebe who?
Phoebe too expensive for me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Phyllis!
Phyllis who!
Phyllis in on the news!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ping Pong!
Ping Pong who?
Ping Pong the witch is dead....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pizza!
Pizza who?
Pizza the pie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Plato!
Plato who?
Plato fish and chips please!
Do Cats Go to Heaven?
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
You Might Be A Redneck If 29
You might be a redneck if...
You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.
Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".
Cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.'
Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great.'
I have opinions...
"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."- George Bush, former U.S. President
"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner
"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul
