Food jokes (1486 to 1500)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1486 to 1500. |
A married man keeps telling hi
A married man keeps telling his wife, "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass. She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.
He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt."
She then tells the man she wants 'Beautiful butt' tattooed on her ass.
The man tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt."
She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says, "Look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, and bends over.
The man yells, "WHO THE HECK IS BOB?"
#joke #food #honey
A worldwide survey was conduct...
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. #joke #food
Drinking salt water makes you
Drinking salt water makes you crazy. You'll end up like Frank Costanza: “Salinity now! Salinity now!”How many dogs does it take to
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
For chocolate lovers...
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
An icebox of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate,it will keep inthe freezer...But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Yesterday I went to the doctor...
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
1) This is a picture of an oct
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an IslandIf you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like EmilyRichardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breathes through an assh*le on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross theocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistleto make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eatingbeans.
(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is alwaysscreaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my bigsister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels cangive you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I thinkthey have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
John and Jill were about to go
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."
#joke #food #honey
I just want someone who
I just want someone who won’t get annoyed when I text them six times or in all caps. Someone I can go on long drives with and can sing along to the radio with. Someone I can eat pizza with at 2am and kiss at 6pm. Someone who chooses me everyday and never thinks twice about it.
Purchasing Mailing Lists
With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.
#joke #food #chocolate
