Friday jokes - jokes about friday and friday 13th (331 to 345)

Middle age crisis...

...

Middle age crisis...

Ben bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car.

Problem - thought Ben, and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

He then thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Answering Machine Message 49

In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

A man left work one Frid...

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being pay day, instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire pay cheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harangued for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A nun and a huge man were stan...

A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."

A guy dies and wakes up to fin...

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Well, no I'm not.

Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...

These are real notes written f...

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Bulletin Bloopers

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Baseball Heaven?

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Where does Friday come before ...

Where does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary!