Fruit jokes (361 to 375)Jokes about fruits. These are the jokes listed 361 to 375. |
Letters from Little Boys to God
Dear God,Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Tom L.
Dear God,
I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?
Neil
Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce
Dear God,
If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
Raphael
Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Greg
Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.
Peter
Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.
Dean
Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Doug
Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.
Sam
Dear God,
I am American. What are you?
Robert
Dear God,
If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.
Jonathan
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.
Charles
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!
Eugene
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
There was an elderly couple wh...
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"Bee Inconspicuous
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going."Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
The bell rang for school to st...
The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."Fun At Others Expense
30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
- type only in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
Blonde one liners
How do you drown a blonde?Put a 'scratch and sniff' sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why don't blondes like making Raro juice from sachets?
Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the packet.
Did you bear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
They went to see 'Closed for Winter'.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
'Look! They spelled Macy's wrong.'
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why do blondes have 'TGIF' written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said 'Disneyland Left' so they turned around and went home.
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Use The Word
A pre-school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can also be grey or orange."
Then a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn the trees are brown."
Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!"
"OK. Then I have definitely shit my pants."
Knock Knock Collection 107
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jupiter!
Jupiter who!
Jupiter fly in my soup!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jussi!
Jussi who!
Jussi fruit!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justice!
Justice who!
Justice as I thought, no one home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!
Wild Things
An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Grandma Loves Oranges
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
Casino Money
A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
Knock Knock Collection 070
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frida!
Frida who?
Frida be!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fruit!
Fruit who?
Fruit of the loom!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gabe!
Gabe who!
Gabe it my all!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gable!
Gable who!
Gable to leap buildings in a single bound!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gabor!
Gabor who!
Gabor'n to shop!
Specimen Bottle
Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse wasextremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container
and used poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had
insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen
glass. In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we
are a little cloudy today."
Steve put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her
hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well,
I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer
this time."
