Fruit jokes (556 to 570)

Doctor Doctor Collection 05

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!
Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!
Just simmer down!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

Revised Christmas Days

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

You From New York?

Signs You're from New York

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
   
2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
   
3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
   
4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
   
5. The homeless are invisible.
   
6. The subway makes sense.
   
7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
   
8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
   
9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
   
10. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
    
11. Your door has more than three locks.
    
12. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
    
13. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
    
14. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
    
15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
    
16. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
    
17. You complain about having to mow it.
    
18. You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
    
19. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
    
20. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
    

The fruit juice entrepreneur w...

The fruit juice entrepreneur was quite snappley dressed.

All About Adam

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."
"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."
Eve said, "A man! What's that?"
"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."
"Sounds great!" said Eve.
"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."

Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

the funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

I mashed together chick peas a...

I mashed together chick peas and apples and the resulting gooey mixture was poisonous. I guess I'm a hummus cider maniac.

The local bar was so sure that...

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters,longshoremen, etc..) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Donnell Rawlings: Black Gummi Bear

I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible -- come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, We gave you n*****s a jelly bean nobody eats. Were not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.

Random Thoughts...

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'

Making Comparisons

In Heaven:

1. The cooks are French,
   
2. The policemen are English,
   
3. The mechanics are German,
   
4. The lovers are Italian,
   
5. The bankers are Swiss.
   

In Hell:

1. The cooks are English,
   
2. The policemen are German,
   
3. The mechanics are French,
   
4. The lovers are Swiss,
   
5. The bankers are Italian.
   

In Computer Heaven:

1. The management is from Intel,
   
2. The design and construction is done by Apple,
   
3. The marketing is done by Microsoft,
   
4. IBM provides the support,
   
5. Gateway determines the pricing.
   

In Computer Hell:

1. The management is from Apple,
   
2. Microsoft does design and construction,
   
3. IBM handles the marketing,
   
4. The support is from Gateway,
   
5. Intel sets the price.
   

Adam & Eve Jokes for Kids

Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

Scary Collection 48

A wizard joke
Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party?
He was going as a banana!

A wizard joke
What do wizards do to get their kicks?
They drool over the pictures in "witch" magazine!

A wizard joke
What do you call a wizard who lies on the floor?
Matt!

A wizard joke
What do you call a wizard who has fallen into the sea on a barrel?
Bob!

A wizard joke
What must a wizard be to receive a state funeral?
Dead!

A wizard joke
What would happen if you threw lots of eggs at a wizard?
He would be egg-sterminated!

A wizard joke
What happened when the wizard turned a boy into a hare?
He's still rabbiting on about it!

Dave Nystrom: Tougher Generation

You look at our grandparents generation, and theyre a much tougher people than us. My grandfather went through the war, the Depression. He came back from the war. He built his house brick-by-brick with his own hands, went and worked at a mill for 40 years after that. I built a bong out of an apple once. I bragged for like six months.