Fruit jokes (61 to 75)Jokes about fruits. These are the jokes listed 61 to 75. |
Wild Things
An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Grandma Loves Oranges
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
Delia's Way
Delia's Way
Delia's Way: Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever... who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches - Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Why do I have a man?
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine???
Delia's Way: Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever... who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches - Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Why do I have a man?
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine???
Casino Money
A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
The Cow Likes Oranges
A squirrel was sitting in an apple tree. All of a sudden a cow started climbing up the tree. Surprised to see a climbing cow the squirrel asked the newcomer, "What the heck are you doing here?"
The cow replied, "I thought I'd eat some oranges."
"But this is an apple tree."
"I know. I brought my own."
Apple announced today that it
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending upon cup and speaker size.The developers are hailing this as a major social breakthrough, because woman are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
