13 Thanksgiving Jokes and Quotes
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet
“Growing up, Christmas was always about me, and eventually you, when I finally started to enjoy the giving part. But Thanksgiving is always about us.” — Rosecrans Baldwin
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes ... but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey.”
“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween? Gobble-ins!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drum sticks!
“If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.” — Frank A. Clark
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” - Tom Swyers
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” - Robert Brault
12 Funny Halloween Ghost Jokes
Q) Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween?
A) It didn’t have a haunting license.
Q) What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
A) The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!
Q) Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
A) Because they were trans-parents!
Q) Which ghost is the best dancer?
A) The Boogie Man!
Q) Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
A) It raises their spirits.
Q) What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A)Bamboo.
Q) Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
A) It dampens their spirits!
Q) What part of a house do ghosts and spirits avoid?
A) The living room.
Q) Why are ghosts such terrible liars?
A) Because you can see right through them.
Q) How did the little ghost learn to play the piano?
A) By using sheet music
Q) Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A) For the Boos.
Q) Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A) Mali-boo.
10 Vampire Jokes for Halloween
Why didn't anyone want to babysit the little vampire?
A) Because he was a pain in the neck.
What is Dracula's favorite place in New York City?
A) The Vampire State Building
What did the little vampire say when he went to bed?
A) Turn on the dark, I am afraid of the light.
What did the vampire say to his victim?
A) It's been nice gnawing you.
Why do little vampires look forward to school lunches?
A) Because they know they won't get stake.
Who did Dracula take out on a date?
A) His ghoul friend
What do vampires fear the most?
A) Tooth decay
How do you join Dracula's fan club?
A) Send your name, address, and blood type.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A) Nectarines
What's a vampire's favorite animal?
A) A giraffe
30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes
Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.
Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.
Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.
Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room
Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under
Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.
Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs
Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.
Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume
Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin
Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!
Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.
Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.
Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage
Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer
Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula
Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary
Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop
Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead
Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!
Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.
Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones
Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus
Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him
FLEX WORDLE
Guess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Ten Witch Jokes for Halloween
Q) Why do witches wear name tags?
A) So they will know which witch is which.
Q) What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?
A) Broom-mates
Q) What is a little witch's favorite subject in school?
A) Spell-ing
Q) How does a witch tell time?
A) She looks at her witch-watch.
Q) Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
A) Because there was no future in it.
Q) What is the difference between a witch and the letters "M, A, K, E, S?"
A) One makes spells and the other spells "makes."
Q) What did the witch serve her friends who dropped in at dinner time?
A) Potluck
Q) How do you make a witch itch?
A) Take away the "w."
Q) Why is a witch's face like a million dollars?
A) It's green and wrinkly.
Q) What do witches use on their hair?
A) Scare spray.
Knock Knock Collection 180
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tripoli!
Tripoli who?
Tripoli play!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tsongas!
Tsongas who?
Tsongas you're here, lets tell some Knock Knock
jokes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tuna!
Tuna who?
Tuna piano and it'll sound better!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tunis!
Tunis who?
Tunis company, three's a crowd!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Turin!
Turin who?
Turin to a vampire on Halloween!
Coffin
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...
clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man SCREAMS and reaches for something heavy, anything .. his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the apparition... and...
the coffin stops!
Scary Collection 05
A ghost joke
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!
A vampire joke
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break!
A witch joke
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an 'appy rash!
A Halloween joke
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!
A cannibal joke
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!
A witch joke
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!
A witch joke
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!
Scary Collection 09
A witch joke
How did the witch feel after she was run over by a car?
Tyred!
A cannibal joke
What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?
They file them!
A ghost joke
Where do undertakers go in October?
The hearse of the year show!
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
The fangdango!
A Halloween joke
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!
A witch joke
How do witches lose weight?
They join weight witches!
People who live in glass house
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.Never read the fine print.There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella,then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequencyin middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybodyhas the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,we'll have thousands of old ladiesrunning around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortableto cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,you are probably dead.
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