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Halloween jokes (16 to 30)Jokes about halloween. These are the jokes listed 16 to 30. |
18 new Halloween jokes from 2020
Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store!
Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries!
Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE!
Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans.
Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which!
Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein!
Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries.
Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray!
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.
Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie.
Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops.
Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers!
Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.
22 Fresh Halloween jokes for 2020
Q: Why do ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures
Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
A: Bam-BOO!
Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.
Q: Why did the zombie skip school?
A: He felt rotten.
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange.
Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers!
Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q: What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music.
Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Q: Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.
Q: What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
A: The grim sweeper. Q:
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.
Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand-witch!
Q: What's a witch's favorite makeup?
A: Ma-scare-a.
Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely?
A: The crossing gourd.
Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A: Candy corneas.
Q: What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve?
A: Bam-BOO!
Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no-body to go with.
Thoughts To Ponder
Thoughts To Ponder1. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
2. Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
3. Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
4. Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
5.Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
6. If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
7. Do prison buses have emergency exits?
8. Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
9. When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
10. If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
12. If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
13. If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
14. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
15. If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
16. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
17. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
18. Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
19. What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
20. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
On Halloween we will not pun.
On Halloween we will not pun. Instead we make candied observations.You Might Be A Redneck If 39
You might be a redneck if...
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
“On Halloween, what i
“On Halloween, what is the most read part of a newspaper? The 'Horrorscope.'”
A Penney For Your Thoughts
"I heard JC Penney was opening even earlier for Black Friday this year!"
"Really, when?"
"Halloween."
13 Thanksgiving Jokes and Quotes
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet
“Growing up, Christmas was always about me, and eventually you, when I finally started to enjoy the giving part. But Thanksgiving is always about us.” — Rosecrans Baldwin
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes ... but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey.”
“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween? Gobble-ins!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drum sticks!
“If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.” — Frank A. Clark
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” - Tom Swyers
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” - Robert Brault
12 Funny Halloween Ghost Jokes
Q) Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween?
A) It didn’t have a haunting license.
Q) What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
A) The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!
Q) Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
A) Because they were trans-parents!
Q) Which ghost is the best dancer?
A) The Boogie Man!
Q) Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
A) It raises their spirits.
Q) What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A)Bamboo.
Q) Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
A) It dampens their spirits!
Q) What part of a house do ghosts and spirits avoid?
A) The living room.
Q) Why are ghosts such terrible liars?
A) Because you can see right through them.
Q) How did the little ghost learn to play the piano?
A) By using sheet music
Q) Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A) For the Boos.
Q) Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A) Mali-boo.
10 Vampire Jokes for Halloween
Why didn't anyone want to babysit the little vampire?
A) Because he was a pain in the neck.
What is Dracula's favorite place in New York City?
A) The Vampire State Building
What did the little vampire say when he went to bed?
A) Turn on the dark, I am afraid of the light.
What did the vampire say to his victim?
A) It's been nice gnawing you.
Why do little vampires look forward to school lunches?
A) Because they know they won't get stake.
Who did Dracula take out on a date?
A) His ghoul friend
What do vampires fear the most?
A) Tooth decay
How do you join Dracula's fan club?
A) Send your name, address, and blood type.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A) Nectarines
What's a vampire's favorite animal?
A) A giraffe
30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes
Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.
Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.
Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.
Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room
Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under
Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.
Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs
Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.
Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume
Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin
Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!
Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.
Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.
Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage
Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer
Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula
Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary
Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop
Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead
Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!
Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.
Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones
Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus
Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him
Ten Witch Jokes for Halloween
Q) Why do witches wear name tags?
A) So they will know which witch is which.
Q) What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?
A) Broom-mates
Q) What is a little witch's favorite subject in school?
A) Spell-ing
Q) How does a witch tell time?
A) She looks at her witch-watch.
Q) Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
A) Because there was no future in it.
Q) What is the difference between a witch and the letters "M, A, K, E, S?"
A) One makes spells and the other spells "makes."
Q) What did the witch serve her friends who dropped in at dinner time?
A) Potluck
Q) How do you make a witch itch?
A) Take away the "w."
Q) Why is a witch's face like a million dollars?
A) It's green and wrinkly.
Q) What do witches use on their hair?
A) Scare spray.
Knock Knock Collection 180
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tripoli!
Tripoli who?
Tripoli play!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tsongas!
Tsongas who?
Tsongas you're here, lets tell some Knock Knock
jokes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tuna!
Tuna who?
Tuna piano and it'll sound better!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tunis!
Tunis who?
Tunis company, three's a crowd!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Turin!
Turin who?
Turin to a vampire on Halloween!
Scary Collection 05
A ghost joke
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!
A vampire joke
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break!
A witch joke
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an 'appy rash!
A Halloween joke
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!
A cannibal joke
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!
A witch joke
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!
A witch joke
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!
Scary Collection 09
A witch joke
How did the witch feel after she was run over by a car?
Tyred!
A cannibal joke
What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?
They file them!
A ghost joke
Where do undertakers go in October?
The hearse of the year show!
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
The fangdango!
A Halloween joke
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!
A witch joke
How do witches lose weight?
They join weight witches!
