Hunting jokes (31 to 45)Jokes about hunting. These are the jokes listed 31 to 45. |
16 Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit wondering why you don't lick 'them.
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on them, without calling you a pervert.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
1. You may not have more than
1. You may not have more than two dildos in a house.2. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
3. There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
4. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
5. Hunting camels is prohibited.
6. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
7. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
8. Cars may not be driven in reverse.
9. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
10. If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
11. No more than six girls may live in any house.
12. It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
13. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
14. An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
15. No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
16. Women may not wear pants.
17. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
The economy is so bad that I g
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck..
History began some 12,000 year
History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 yearsago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadichunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summerand would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.The two most important events in all of history were the invention ofbeer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get manto the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and,together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into twodistinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was thebeginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can wasinvented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sittingaround waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to thebrewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque atnight while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what isknown as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to liveoff the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doingthe sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of theLiberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved intowomen. The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept ofDemocratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer thatConservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals aresymbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foocoffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. Theyeat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and Frenchfood are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and grouptherapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rulebecause it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and stillprovide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeocowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes andgenerally anyone who works productively outside government.Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want towork for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" theproducers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believeEuropeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of theLiberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business oftrying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that aLiberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the aboveinstead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.
A game warden came upon a duck
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU tell me!"
An old Indian chief sat in his
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him."Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did work, medicine man free, Indian man all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and shook his head, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Who Shot the Big Buck?
Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."
For everyone who has ever had...
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Too Much Hunting
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
You Might Be A Redneck If 32
You might be a redneck if...
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.
A huge muscular man walks into...
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No s***?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
You Might Be A Redneck If ...
You might be a redneck if...On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
Chased By A Bear
George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.
Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.
They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.
"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."
"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.
"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."
"George!" G. W's mama says.
G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.
His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.
But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"
A group of friends who went de
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated intopairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering undera hugh buck."Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.
"He fainted a couple miles up the trail,"
Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carriedthe deer back?"
"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figuredno one is going to steal Harry."
