Hunting jokes (61 to 75)

Two Eagles, an old Indian chie...

Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute...
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

12 Days of Red-Neck Christmas

Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"

12 pack of Bud

11 rasslin tickets

10 a Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 pack of Redman

6 cans of spam

5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....

4 big mo tires

3 shotgun shells

2 hunting dogs

and parts to a Mustang GT...

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunt...

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." 
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." 
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" 
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. 
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." 
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the duck."

expecting a baby

After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that

they

were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went

hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear

charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on

the

spot."

"Impossible!," the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that

bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

Don't Even Think About It

Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

You might be a redneck if 68

You might be a reneck if...

You can chew your own toenails.

You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.

You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.

Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.

You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.

You've ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn't spit it out.

Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.

You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.

Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.

Your mama has more tattoos than you do.

A native American went hunting

A native American went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like American Indians. The game warden ordered to the Indian to show his hunting license, and the Indian pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The indian reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The Indian reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the Indian reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Indian, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The Indian turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, expert."

Earning His Stripes

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer looked into the distance and warmed to his task.

“Once, I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” he began: “I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly, the largest tiger I’ve ever seen in my life leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find my gun bearer had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

“Under those circumstances, sir, I think anyone would have done the same," the reporter said.

The old explorer replied: "No, not then -– just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'”

 Ohio Crazy Law

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.

Breast feeding is not allowed in public.

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

Bay Village

It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.

Bexley

Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Clinton County

Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.

Cleveland

It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!

Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

Columbus

It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

Fairview Park

It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor.

Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.

Ironton

Cross-dressing is against the law.

Lima

Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.

Lowell

It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.

Marion

You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

North Canton

It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.

McDonald

Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.

Oxford

It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Paulding

A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Toledo

Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.

Strongsville

Catch 22 is banned.

Youngstown

Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.

You may not run out of gas.

#joke #policeman #animal #dog #horse #snake #tiger #cow #whale #fish #mice #sport #hunting

1. The later you are, the more

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you getanother dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you apervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just thinkit's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Typical macho man married a ty

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after thewedding, he laid down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don'texpect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the tableunless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies anddon't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Anycomments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that therewill be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here ornot."

Duck Hunting

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."

At the police station, Bubba e...

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were hunting buffalo one day to no avail. Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to ground and says, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know that?" Tonto replies, "Ear sticky."