Lawyer jokes - jokes about lawyers (196 to 210)

Karma the Pet Snake

Tickle Nhat Hahn: Have you met my pet snake "Karma"?
Swami Mahahaharaj: Why would you name a snake "Karma"?
Tickle Nhat Hahn: Because he used to be a lawyer.

Are you talking to me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A lawyer is settling accounts

A lawyer is settling accounts with his client.
"Let's do it this way," he says, "pay me $5000 now and then $400 a month."
"Gee," the client says, "I feel like I'm paying for a car."
Lawyer replies, "You are! And it's a nice one too."

The Piano Player

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class

about there parent's occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, "My mother is a nurse".

The teacher said, "That's wonderful, she helps to cure sick

people."

Andrew then out up his hand. "My father is a pilot," he

said.

The teacher said, "Congratulations! Your father helps people

get to where they are going."

Johnny then said, "Miss, my father plays the piano in a

brothel."

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her

head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnny's parents

came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he

really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnny's father replied that he wasn't. But that is what he

told Johnny because he didn't want to admit to being a lawyer.

A man went to his lawyer and s

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says, "Don't worry. Leave it all to me."
The man looks somewhat upset... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"

1. "I got kicked out of Riverd

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer)
2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis
3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - George Burns
4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock
5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)
6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)
9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson
15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

The Elephant and the Tiger

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when he

heard something. He turned around and saw a tiger following

him and eating his droppings. The elephant turned and said,

"What the hell are you doing, eating my crap?"

The tiger replied, "I just ate a lawyer, and I'm trying to

get rid of the taste."

bribe the jury

Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution. The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict. When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."

The children had all been phot...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he'sa doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

New stamp

Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release?

The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Submitted Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Be sure and cancel your credit

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!

A lawyer was standing in a lon

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Bulk mail

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

The Police Officer's Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas

and throughout the substation,

Not a deputy stirred,

they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung

on the wall with great care,

Next to some T-shirts

and old underwear.

I was working the night shift

compiling stats,

Answering the phone,

and feeding the rat.

When all of a sudden

there arose such a clatter,

I leapt from my desk

to see what was the matter!

I opened the door

with a creak and a crick,

And saw a jolly red fat man

I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture

a time or two,

He was wanted:

Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door

and commanded him "Freeze!"

"Put your hands on you head

and get down on your knees."

But he turned and he ran,

up the chimney he flew,

With me in pursuit,

toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof

Santa made for his sleigh,

Throwing down toys

and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,

he threw down some crack,

I slipped and I fell

landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced

with a toy M-1 tank,

And Pink Power Rangers

covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!",

he cried loud and clear.

Then I got off three rounds

and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say

as he sailed into the blue,

"Merry Christmas to all!

My Lawyers will sue!"

Two lawyers

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.