Mother jokes

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends...

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex.

I Gave My Father $100

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”
So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

A, B, or C?

A mother walked up to the pharmacist and said, "I would like vitamins for my son."
"Vitamin A, B or C?" the pharmacist asked.
It doesn't matter," the mother replied. "He can't read yet."

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?""$101,237.65.""$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?""First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles.""A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!""No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"-

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school...

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

What I Wanted

Suzy: "Mom, did you want a boy or a girl?"
Mom: "I just wanted to watch a movie."

A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut...

A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut, pulls up to his house in a stunning Porsche.

His parents are immediately suspicious, knowing there's no way his after-school job could have paid for such an expensive car. "Where did you get that car?" they shout, astonished.

"I bought it today," the boy replies calmly.

"With what money?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and there's no way you can afford it!"

The boy shrugs. "It’s used, and I got a great deal. I only paid $20 for it."

His parents are even more shocked. "Who would sell a Porsche for $20?!"

"The woman up the street," the boy explains. "She just moved in. I delivered a pizza to her, and she offered to sell me the Porsche for $20."

Baffled, his parents rush to the neighbor’s house, ready for an explanation. They find her calmly planting flowers in her yard. "I'm the father of the boy you sold a Porsche to for $20," the dad says. "We need to know why you sold it so cheap!"

The woman, without looking up, responds, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't plan on coming back."

The boy's mom, still confused, asks, "But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?"

With a satisfied smile, the woman replies, "My husband told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money—so I did."

Money For the Man

Little Johnny rushes inside, out of breath and shouts, "Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!"

His mother replies, "What is he shouting?"
"Ice creams! Come get your ice cream..."

Child’s Birthday Wish

Child: "Mom, may I have a bicycle for my birthday?"
Mom: "Will it make you behave any better if I do?"
Child: "No, but I’ll behave over a wider area."

A guy dies and goes to heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven.
He looks around and sees clocks.
He asks St. Peter, "What are all these clocks for?"
He replies "OH, those are lie clocks, everytime you lie the hands move."
"Whose is that?"
"Mother Teresa's. Its never moved."
"How about that one?"
"Oh, thats Abe Lincoln's. Its moved a bit."
The man thinks awhile and asks,"What about [insert politician here]'s clock?"
"Oh that ones in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day

August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon

I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard

What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies

Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.

What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles

What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz

What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.

What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”

Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.

What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.

Reading Is Fun

A mother walks into her own bedroom and is surprised to catch her 10 year old daughter reading her diary. Startled, she just stands there.
"You were right mom," says the daughter. "Reading is fun."

Slow Clock

My wife complained that the kitchen clock had nearly killed her mother, as it fell off the wall seconds after where she had been sitting underneath it.
That darn clock has always been slow.

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous...

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Guy with a cat wins the lottery

So he gets extended leave from his job, packs his things and buys a ticket for South America. Problem is, he needs someone to take care of his cat. So he calls a friend.

"Hey John, I need you to take care of my cat for 3 months".

"Three months?!"

"Yeah, but don't worry, all you need to do is feed her a 3 times a day, change her sand, play with her a bit and, god forbid, take her to the vet if she needs anything".

"Damn, so... what if she..."

"I have a plan for that too. Call me and say-"

"That she died?"

"No! Heavens no! I could not take that! You need to let me down easy. Just call me and tell me she climbed on the roof".

"On the roof?"

"Well... then tell me everything is fine. Remember: let me down easy! So say 'The fire department came and is trying to get her down, but all is good, no worries'".

"Okay?"

"After 20 minutes, call me and say 'She fell off the roof but she is fine. I'm taking her to the vet just in case. All is good, no worries'". "THEN, after an hour call me and say 'The doctor says she is fine other than a broken rib, so we'll run a few tests. All is good, no worries.'" "When 30 minutes pass, call me and say 'She needed surgery, her rib caused some bleeding, but she is recovering nicely. I'll talk to you when we get home. All is good, no worries'".

"Oh boy, are you-"

"Then wait for 30 minutes, call me and say 'Hey man, I don't know how to say this but, she didn't make it. I'm so sorry'".

"Dude, are you done? I got it. If your cat dies, I'll let you down easy. No worries".

The man says goodbye to his cat and leaves. Upon arriving in South America, he gets a call from John. Visibly worried, he answers "What is it, is my cat okay!?"

"What? Yeah, she's fine."

"Really? Do you mean that?"

"Yeah man, all is good. No worries. It's just that... Your mother climbed on the roof."