Mother jokes (376 to 390)

Famous Mothers Quotes

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

Honor Among Thieves

A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money, it’s the principle,” she insisted.
.............. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

 

 

Read this question, come up wi

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to thebottom for the result. This is not a trick question . It is as itreads.
No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she didnot know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to beher dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, butnever asked for his number and could not find him. A few days latershe killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If youanswered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a testby a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the samementality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in thetest and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer thequestion correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can takeyour crazy ass off my list!

The mother of a problem child

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.

One Sunday morning George burs

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

Odd signs...

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

Communication Chain

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at 'Mom' and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
'Don't worry,' she said, 'I'll take care of it.'
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was 'Mom.'
'Martin,' she said, 'you left your cell phone at the convenience store.'

 

A woman's perogative...

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother replied, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."

What Did You Learn?

Susie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

Nuns Discussing Drinks

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"

A mother and her young son wer...

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

A tough U.S. Marine sergeant g

A tough U.S. Marine sergeant got word that the father of one of his men had passed away. At roll call he snapped, "Hey, Smith, your father died!" The Marine fainted on the spot.
A week later the sister of another Marine died, and the sergeant once again called his men together. "Jones," he yelled out, "your sister died last night!" The Marine burst into tears.
Finally, word got back to the general about the sergeant's insensitivity, and he was called on the carpet and told to be less direct and gruff when one of his men suffered a tragedy.
A week later the sergeant was notified that Private Miller had just lost his mother.
Remembering what the general had said, he lined up his troop and ordered "Everyone whose mother is alive, please take one step forward - not so fast, Miller!"

A young vicar about to deliver

A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation's attention.
"Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them," the cleric told him. "For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'"
He smiled at the young vicar's shocked look before adding, "She was my mother."
The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman."
He was pleased at the instant reaction, then panic-stricken. "But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"

One day, shortly after the bir...

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.
The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

NOTICE OF RECIPROCAL COLONIZATION – Yet another response

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to the Commonwealth of Nations, including, but not limited to, Canada (which is already a state, excluding Québec), Australia, New Zealand, Bermuda, Jamaica, etc., and any other nation lacking the inspiration to create for themselves a national flag not resembling the Union Jack:

In light of the fact that although America stands firmly on her own two feet, this nation has been formed with ideas derived from some of the children of the best free thinkers in 17^th century Great Britain, and has been rooted in such. Therefore, the citizens of the United States of America hereby impose the following decree as our birth rite:

1. Like our 'mother' has previously done, the citizens of the United States of America now impose unilateral colonization upon the above fore-mentioned 'nations,' which are for this day forward to be deemed and to which referred, 'Colonies of the United States of America.'

2. As 'mum' taught us best, none of the Colonies shall have any representation in our globally expansive government, however, fear not as they will be taxed thrice as heavily as any of the members of the Original Fifty States, and this shall be deemed a privilege.

3. All currency in ridiculous color-coded Monopoly board game pastels shall be destroyed and replaced with the correct currency colors of green, black, and white. Failure to forfeit such will be treated as both servile insurrection and submission of testimony on one’s behalf to illiteracy and need for color to sort one’s purse.

4. The President of the both the United States of America and her Colonies shall be determined by the residents of the state of Florida consisting of mostly senior citizens, expatriated Canadians, Cuban refugees, and in the future – the now disbanded British Royalty. This will be deemed a fair representation for all.

5. English will be removed as the official language of the former UK and the former Commonwealth of Nations as well as the like for English and French in Canada. The Colonies will conform to the United States’ policy of no official language as the English language is to be enriched with the words of the world, not purified of them.

6. Police will no longer be called Bobbies in the UK. The appellation of 'toque' for a cap or hat will be forbidden in Canada. Words spelled like 'centre' will not be removed, but restricted. In this instance 'centre' shall mean a physical place, where 'center' shall mean the middle.

7. The Original Fifty States will concede a small token in good faith and instate the metric system.

8. The Oxford English Dictionary shall be renamed the Harvard-M.I.T. Dictionary of the Global English Language.

9. Excluding the incontrovertibly inevitable linguistic derelicts of any society, all members of the Colonies shall be required to keep a vocabulary on par in volume with that of the current average American of the day, and not simply Standard Received English as is spoken by many Geordies, Scots, Welsh, Nova Scotians, and Southern States Americans.

10. Obsolescent pronunciations such as 'roit' for right, 'ad-ver-tiss-mint' for advertisement, which by the way will pick-up a ‘z’ to replace the ‘s’ in the former American spelling, shall be banned.

11. Any citizen of America or her Colonies caught speaking the letter ‘z’ as ‘zed’ shall be latched into the town center’s stocks, head and hands, for the townspeople to mock.

12. The citizens of America’s Colonies, with the exception of Canada, shall be required to actually read the spelling of ‘aluminum’ as used in the Original Fifty States, to conceptualize how it is not said with ‘-inium’ as the ending pronunciation. These individuals will be screened as per items number three (3) of this list.

13. The existence of ‘types’ of English shall be abolished. All English, e.g. U.S. English, U.K. English, Canadian English, etc., shall be called English, with the exception of Scots English, which will now be called Greek.

14. The second level of all buses, a.k.a. lorries, coaches, etc., will be removed.

15. Education will commence to eradicate the jousting gene from the citizens in Colonies where the medieval idea of driving on the left still exists, including the U.S. Virgin Islands.

16. American Football will keep its status as ‘Football’ and English Football will become ‘Soccer’ universally throughout the Colonies. This means France will have to change to 'Le Soccer' or 'Le Soc.'

17. There will be no more warm beer, and the citizens of the Colonies will no longer be subjected to watered-down macro beers such as Budweiser and Miller. Real American beer will be had by all.

18. Everyone in the former British Isles shall be required to see an orthodontist on a regular basis.

19. Time shall be referred to as the following: WDC + 05:00 in London.

20. The new states of England, Scotland, Wales, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Québec, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland & Labrador, Price Edward Island, New Brunswick, Nunavut, Western Australia, Northern Territory, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Tasmania, New Zealand, Antigua, Barbados, Bahamas, Belize, Salomon Islands, St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, South Africa, Trinidad & Tobago, and Western Samoa shall each receive a star on the flag to represent their statehood. In addition, the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory will be renamed the state of Arctic and the state of Yukon, respectively - each receiving a star to represent their statehood as well. Finally, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Guam shall all be granted statehood and issued a star on the flag. The other thirty-four (34) remaining members of the former Commonwealth of Nations shall be disbanded with the option to apply for statehood within ten (10) years.

21. Hong Kong will be returned to Colony status - we do not bow to China.

22. As of November 21, 2000, 57% of Americans from the Original Fifty States were proficient in more than one (1) language, representing 157,691,225 people speaking two (2) or more languages and over 90,000,000 who speak a language other than English at home. All Colonies will be required to maintain that 50% of their territorial population can speak more than one (1) language, with the exception of Quebec, where, due to the prevalence of French, 80% of the inhabitants shall be required to be bilingual or better.

23. The Colonies will now be permitted to purchase the good American cars and will no longer be restricted to the bottom of the line models, as is prominent in Europe.

24. Outside the Original Fifty States and the former Canada, the numbering system shall be reorganized as such: 000 = thousand; 000,000 = million; 000,000,000 = billion; 000,000,000,000 = trillion; 000,000,000,000,000 = quadrillion, and so forth.

25. Measuring your weight in stones will only be permitted when inebriated.