Mother jokes (406 to 420)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 406 to 420. |
The Government Cuts Costs
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."
There Is A Blind Man Here To See You
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
A small boy is sent to bed by...
A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a glass of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"
A man has six children and is...
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."
John Mulaney: Veronica the Babysitter
In my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. I was just talking to my mom the other week -- I found out that when I was 10, Veronica was 13. So why was she in charge? All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could. Thirteen when I'm 10? That's just like hiring a slightly bigger child.Question time....
Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....
"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
It changed the meaning...
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"
One Sunday morning George burs
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.""Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.""I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
How do you expect to get into heaven?
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"
What do you want out of life?
A teacher asked her class, 'What do you want out of life?' A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, 'All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says.'
The teacher asked, 'Really, and what four little animals would that be?' The little girl said, 'A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
...... Only in America
Ancient Hebrew Scroll’s Uncovered
These ancient scroll’s explain Why the Jews Left Egypt.
Translated in March of 5777 and given the title 'For This We Left Egypt' by the 3 wise men, Alan Zweibel, Dave Barry & Adam Mansbach. It tells the story of the Jewish people's slavery in Egypt, their release from bondage, and their mass exodus to the Promised Land. It is a much-beloved book, steeped in tradition and replete with prayers and songs of celebration in addition to fun pictures of inedible food and deadly plagues.
Yet what has confounded rabbis and been a source of much theological debate through the centuries is the word Haggadah itself. What does it mean?
Some have contended that it does not have a definition. that the word itself defines the text-just as the word kneecap has no other meaning than, well, kneecap.
In fact, Haggadah is not a word, but rather the name of the only former Hebrew slave to drown once the waters of the parted Red Sea, unparted. Haggadah crossed safely, but went back to retrieve a sandal that had come off his foot during that hectic rush between the walls of water. As a handful of witnesses overheard and subsequently blabbered to their Old Testament neighbors, the conversation between Haggadah and Moses once they reached the other side was as follows.
'Hey, Moses, do me a favor and keep the Red Sea parted just a few minutes longer? I gotta get my sandal.'
'To hell with your sandal, Haggadah! I've got to unpart these waters so the Pharaoh's army drowns. My G-d, it's been hundreds of years since we relaxed.'
'So what am I supposed to do?'
'Hop to the Promised Land, Haggadah.'
But the portly Haggadah did not pay heed. He waddled back for his beloved sandal (it's been said the pair were a gift from his aged mother shortly before she died of dysentery, leprosy, intestinal worms, plague, scurvy, and exposure), retrieved it, placed it on his foot, turned, and started running in an attempt to rejoin his now liberated brethren. But it was not to be, as the walls of the Red Sea came crashing down upon him-the irony being that about ten minutes later his retrieved sandal Click here to obtain the full text.
Ancient Hebrew Scroll’s Uncovered
These ancient scroll’s explain Why the Jews Left Egypt.
Translated in March of 5777 and given the title 'For This We Left Egypt' by the 3 wise men, Alan Zweibel, Dave Barry & Adam Mansbach. It tells the story of the Jewish people's slavery in Egypt, their release from bondage, and their mass exodus to the Promised Land. It is a much-beloved book, steeped in tradition and replete with prayers and songs of celebration in addition to fun pictures of inedible food and deadly plagues.
Yet what has confounded rabbis and been a source of much theological debate through the centuries is the word Haggadah itself. What does it mean?
Some have contended that it does not have a definition. that the word itself defines the text-just as the word kneecap has no other meaning than, well, kneecap.
In fact, Haggadah is not a word, but rather the name of the only former Hebrew slave to drown once the waters of the parted Red Sea, unparted. Haggadah crossed safely, but went back to retrieve a sandal that had come off his foot during that hectic rush between the walls of water. As a handful of witnesses overheard and subsequently blabbered to their Old Testament neighbors, the conversation between Haggadah and Moses once they reached the other side was as follows.
'Hey, Moses, do me a favor and keep the Red Sea parted just a few minutes longer? I gotta get my sandal.'
'To hell with your sandal, Haggadah! I've got to unpart these waters so the Pharaoh's army drowns. My G-d, it's been hundreds of years since we relaxed.'
'So what am I supposed to do?'
'Hop to the Promised Land, Haggadah.'
But the portly Haggadah did not pay heed. He waddled back for his beloved sandal (it's been said the pair were a gift from his aged mother shortly before she died of dysentery, leprosy, intestinal worms, plague, scurvy, and exposure), retrieved it, placed it on his foot, turned, and started running in an attempt to rejoin his now liberated brethren. But it was not to be, as the walls of the Red Sea came crashing down upon him-the irony being that about ten minutes later his retrieved sandal
washed ashore, where it was reshaped by Moses into a hand puppet to amuse his grandchildren. Click here to obtain the full text.
And the Winner Is
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison.
“Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
