Mother jokes (721 to 735)

Mommy, my turtle is dead...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Freddie, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.
"Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"

I Want to Be a Pastor When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”
“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

New savings account...

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'

Animal Pictures

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

A mother-in-law sent two ties...

A mother-in-law sent two ties to her son-in-law. Some weeks later, she was invited for lunch, and so he wore one of them in the hope of pleasing her.
The meal was a tense and uncomfortable one, with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.
Finally she spoke. "Alright, what's wrong with the other tie?"

Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

Socks...

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"

The wise old Mother Superior f

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".

Kids in the back seat cause ac...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Just like dad...

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"

Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"

A man is driving with his wife...

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won't leave him alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"

Sunday School Money

A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

Bad grammer....

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents.

When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.

"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.

"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Haven't got a clue," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"

Little Tony was staying with h

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd beenplaying outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into thehouse and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleepingin the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It'scalled sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the otherkids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isnot called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wantsto talk to you right now."